Talking to God

Alone.

Angry.

Frozen.

Hard hearted.

Unmoving.

Empty.

Cold.

Relieved.

Stunned.

Corrupt.

If I had to sum up my feelings into 10 words; those would be them. I wish the list included: sorry, sad, broken, weary, struggling… but it doesn’t. Although my response and feelings at this time are not what I desire, I am not giving up the fight for what I want/need:

¼  reach out to God with brokenness and invite Him into the struggle

¼  be loved.

¼  gain forgiveness from those I have hurt.

¼  restore my marriage.

¼  fall in love with Jesus again.

¼  allow my actions to speak about who I am in Christ.

¼  put trust back in my sex life with my husband.

¼  to remove the idol of having an orgasm.

I am working up the courage to bring all this to God. Even though I know he knows all of this already its still something I have to do on my own and when I am ready. What has been holding me back is the sheer feeling of not being protected and feels thrown to the wolves so to speak. I just don’t understand why he didn’t “throw me from the horse” to stop me or something… I just feel alone and abandoned by him. 

Implications of my Life

Love is an unknown and unclear thing to me I am finding. I mean, I am married, have parents, and even wonderful friends who communicate they love me. What does that mean?

I had the pleasure of spending an evening with one of my besties and I am honestly so encouraged by the support I have received. We talked in detail about counseling, my hardened/absent heart and what my plans are going forward.

We talked in depth about the question that the counselor asked me: What are the implications of Jesus in my life?

First I had to look up what implications really meant – as it was confusing at first. Implication defined: the state of implying or being implied, without being plainly expressed.

With that, how do people know Jesus is in my life without it being plainly expressed?

As for today: … I want to say because I am working on my marriage and not giving up and because of my willingness to open and honest no matter how much it hurt me or those around me.

This questions (how do people know Jesus is in my life without it being plainly expressed?) really has me thinking about my whole life… how would people know? What am I doing to bring God glory without the knowledge of me being a believer to others? I will have to spend more time thinking about this and really search my heart for more.

One thing that really hit home with me was when we were talking about the guy in KY and how I am not “ready” to end it at this point. That it’s been so much fun, exciting, and really brought joy to my life. She asked me, have I fantasized about leaving to be with him and what does that look like. A small part of me has thought about what would happen if I just moved to KY and how life would change. It’s always been a fleeting thought because reality kicks me in the a$$ and tells me I am being foolish and that I could never leave my life here to be with this man I hardly know let alone my husband who I love dearly and desire to live the rest of my life with. But I guess it is still considered a fantasy to think about how things would change.

This caused me to really look at what will continuing this “relationship” cost me in the reality of the here and now?

It costs me…

¼  the trust of my husband.

¼  a hardened/absent heart towards the Lord.

¼  the uncertainty of where to put my focus.

¼  an unwillingness to progress towards restoration in my marriage.

¼  the love I long to understand and feel.

When I left her house I really felt convicted to just end it, what bad could come from just saying it’s over and I can’t communicate anymore? Nothing bad will happen, in fact, only good can come from making the right choice to just say goodbye.

I called and he wasn’t available so I sent him this text (last night):

I wanted to say this over the phone but you must be asleep. I care for you deeply and desire you tremendously but I cannot be friends right now. It's putting a wall between me and my marriage by creating in me a desire for you. My heart is breaking and my soul hurts but I have to do what is best for my marriage - even if I don't want to I think it's best for me. I hope you can understand. I wish u could hear your voice right now but maybe it’s best since I would probably chicken out if I actually talked to you. I'm so sorry. I want to know you too but can't do both right now.

He has not responded and I blocked him on google chat today. I desire greatly to know what he is thinking and feeling but I need to worry more about my husband’s feelings then his.

I told my husband when I got home that I ended it and he cried uncontrollably in my arms. He told me he feels like he is like the metal in the making of a samurai sword. Put into the fire to be malleable folding it over, hammering it, putting it back in the fire, working out the impurities and doing this over and over again to completion.

My heart breaks more for the pain I have caused him… Lord Help!

Intense 1st Counseling Session

Yesterday we went to our first counseling session (Impact Biblical Counseling) which came highly recommended through the church leadership and others in our church.

Our counselor is really quite articulate and his questions were very introspective and sometimes cutting to the core. He had no problem asking us the hard questions and expecting answers.

·     We talked about what we want to get out of counseling,

·     Why we think we are there,

·     What caused me to desire to go outside of my marriage,

·     Sexual topics of mechanics, what women need, husbands need to learn, and so on.

I was really shocked in our session because he really nailed my husband hard about not learning my body and what I need to reach orgasm. He kept saying he saying he is selfish and by not desiring to learn or trying he is denying me a truly fulfilling marital sex life. That he is always sexually finished before me. He also hasn’t made much of an effort to pursue me of make it better due to a fear of failure, but yet, not trying is a self-fulfilling-prophecy.

He told me that in my deep desire to have passionate sex, I have made it my idol and in due course more important then my marriage and ultimately more important then God.

He asked me about my parents and childhood and I shared how my dad was emotionally not there and my mom was emotionally abusive and unpredictable. I didn’t feel love growing up so the minute I learned I could feel “love” through sex, I was sleeping around at age 16 and pursuing same sex relationships to feel the love I didn’t get from my mom. The counselor was very intuitive with in that he explained that just because I got married my views were still the same, that the internal conflict is that I know my husband loves me by all normal accounts but in my subconscious, I feel love through sex and since sex isn’t good with my husband, thus causes a conflict.

He also told my husband not to shelter me from his feelings because I need to understand how much it has hurt him that I have looked outside our marriage for enjoyment.

He asked me what impact is my relationship with Jesus make on my life today… and frankly its not making much of any impact. Why?

He did give my husband some homework on touching and learning my body and after revealing that my husband didn't want to be intimate with me, our counselor said to take his time and that he didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't ready for. 

He also told my husband that although I make a bad choice I did not have a physical affair and to be aware I am here willing to work on it and I did tell him the truth.

I was so nervous to share with him what I had done and how I wasn’t in a place of repentance yet. We didn’t end up talking about my unrepentant heart and how the communication between me and the guy in KY is still ongoing. But it will be over before our next session.

I feel hopeful and ready to cut communication with Mr. KY and work toward restoration in my marriage. I am hurt and sad that my husband doesn't want to touch me or even try to be intimate at this time, but I also understand the pain I have caused. I am close to being ready to yell it out with God but will need to work on my repentance through his Spirit. 

Until next time…. 

Friendship & Accountability

Tonight I met with my two best friends what has been going on and what I had confessed. They were so loving and yet showing me my sin at the same time. They were able to ask me open and honest questions – which I answered with complete truthfulness.

I love these ladies so much because regardless of how much I seem to screw up they still love me and want to walk with me in this.

They shared some very insightful things with me that I can’t over look and completely agree with.

1. What I describe to them about being sexually starved and how I have responded sounds like I have made passionate sex an idol.
2. Sounds like I don’t understand or feel the love of God.
3. I need to end this long distance “relationship”
4. A struggle isn’t a struggle is I am not turning my back from the sin.
5. It doesn’t sound like I am repentant. It sounds more like I am trying to be good for goodness sake.

I am not in a place of repentance (yet) but a place or wanting the truth out there. I am not sorry for what has happened but I am sad it has hurt my husband.

I am struggling to even talk to God.  Girlfriend suggested that I just come to Him honest and bare but I am not only ashamed but mad. Why would he allow us to go through all this when we are willing to do anything for him and his church? 

Confessions of a Wife

It was Sunday afternoon when we started our three hour drive home from a mini-vaca with friends when I asked. Do you think we have a good marriage? He said, “Yeah.” It was then that I verbally vomited out the words, “I almost had an affair this weekend and I have been having an emotional affair with a man in KY.” The shock was written all over his face. He said, “Thank you so much for telling me and being honest with me. I can imagine it was hard for you.” I was shocked, why think about me and how hard it is for me. I just told you I almost had a physical affair, yell at me, hate me, hit me, something!! I wanted him to be mad and tell me I am stupid. I wanted to hear the pain he was feeling, but all he could think about was me and how “hard” it was for me!

I went on to tell him about the two previous situations and how sorry I was. I told him I reached out to a church friend and that I really want to make our marriage work. I made a bad choice and want to work to repair us. At this point, I saw no fault on his part. I took all the blame (rightfully so – in my eyes) and was pained to think I had hurt this wonderful man once again with my sin.

He explained that he was in shock and wanted time to process his feelings. He didn’t want to share with me his pain and sheltered me from his thought. We cried together, he prayed for us, and we tried to encourage one another.

I was hopeless.

That evening we made plans to meet with some friends to pray with us and share what has happened. They asked questions and I shared fully what was going on with me.