Friday, September 7, 2012
"The" Struggle
"I have a vulnerability issue. I
know that vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and our struggle for
worthiness. But it appears it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity,
belonging, & love. I have a problem. Help."
Why do we struggle with vulnerability?
We numb vulnerability
We numb... everything.
¼
We are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and
medicated society in the history of the world.
We make the uncertain CERTAIN.
We prefect.
We pretend.
Let ourselves be seen.
Love with our whole hearts.
Practice gratitude lean onto joy.
Believe we are enough.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Evening with a TWIST
Tonight was an enjoyable evening with a twist.
We enjoyed a quiet evening at home. Me, blogging. Husband,
cooking some food for the week and cleaning up. Us making the bed together and
watching some funny you tube videos. At 9pm he suggested giving me a full body
massage - which use to be code for "let's do it". Tonight I knew
would be different. During the massage he didn't even once graze my sensitive
parts - which I highly enjoy the "tease" aspect of this. When the
massage was nearing its end I asked him why he didn't touch me
"there" and he said he didn't know if I would enjoy it. Then without
another word he started to touch me. Lightly caressing and softly opening. I'll
save the "explicit" play by plays but all and all I was enjoying
myself. A few min into it I ask him to pray for us and after assured him that
the prayer wasn't because I wasn't enjoying it and intact I was greatly. I
still couldn't brig myself to pray aloud but in my head I kept chanting,
"stay here, be vulnerable, don't wonder...Jesus help me..." it was 15
min or so before my body started to "respond" and the
"pleasure" of his touch was increasing. I wanted to pray aloud for us
but i just couldn't find the words and didn't quite feel like I could. It was
then that Pandora radio played a advertisement and I was distracted. Then I started
to notice my hips getting tired, the touch wasn't just right, I could feel his
clammy-sweaty skin and I couldn't recover my min. I tried to tell him what
might help and we both got too wrapped up in the mechanics. I expressed I was
done for tonight and felt instant embarrassment and shame. I covered my face
with the pillow and my husband said, "it's not going to happen the first
time, I enjoyed myself and I love you." I was negative in my mind by
thinking, "it's been 5+ years - this is not the first time." I
instantly wanted to get dressed and leave the room - which I did. I went to the
restroom and came right back, I wanted to cry because this shouldn't be this
hard. Why can't God just create a miracle and help us grow our marriage? We I
not have enough faith? Do I not please him? Have I not asked enough? We are
working on it and have not given up; couldn't he give us a glimmer of hope?
I'll continue to fight be the disappointment and sadness filter in. I'm sad
because I want to experience the pleasure and intimacy with my husband but I
also want him to be encouraged that he can please me.
While I was getting dressed my husband asked me, "can
you tell me what.." and I cut him off to say, "I can't talk about it
right now." partly because I was naked and partly because I didn't want to
cry. I have cried before and it's now a place of fear for my husband and I also
hate the vulnerability it causes. No one should get to see my tears, they are
mine and mine alone, especially if they are caused by another's actions or
feelings.
I am now, back in bed, unwilling to talk about it and
blogging to try to understand why....
We did end up talking about my disappointment and I used the
analogy of ice cream. We don't usually have ice cream in the house to actually
getting it and consuming it is quite the process of joy. We first have to leave
the house, go to the store, get the ice cream, get the toppings, endure the
ride home thinking of all the ways we can eat it, chill the bowl, let the ice
cream get soft for scooping, put the toppings on, and consume. But the pleasure
of the evening is like doing all the steps except consuming. It’s like a parent
catching you with the bowl of already prepared ice cream and telling you, “No
way, you can’t have that.” And not getting to enjoy the “finale” of the
pleasure.
Husband expressed his enjoyment in the process and is
willing to keep trying. I on the other hand, don’t want to have to go through
the disappointment again. We will give it some time and I’m sure I will try it
again.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Counseling Session Two
I was semi looking forward to it. I
did have some fears that he was going to ask questions that I didn’t know the
answers but all in all, I wanted help to dismantle more of our issues. It’s
hard to remember all that was talked about because it’s like drinking out of a
fire hose and most of it doesn’t “stick” but might be in my subconscious for
later. So, Ill try to share what I remember and what stood out
We started off talking about
my husband not wanting to have sex and we explained that we did and that my
husband again was able to climax and I didn’t. He asked why not, I explained
that we moved slower with external touch and foreplay but then moved into sex
too quickly and my husband got too excited and preceded to climax without me.
Our counselor asked why it stopped once he came we explained because we were in
dialog about what happened and what we liked and didn’t like and how to make it
better in the future. My husband was also pretty upset that it happened again
and felt bad almost instantly. We talked it through and have high hopes to not
let that happen again without my pleasure as well. I said I feel like a
good wife when my husband reached orgasm... he asked why is that, and I
explained I feel like I am constantly the one in our relationship to make
mistakes and this is a way I am good to him and feel his love.
Our counselor then asked us, Do you ever pray together
during sex?” We both said no and proceeded to ask, “Would that be something we
would desire?” my husband said Of course, and I said no. Our counselor asked me
why and I said, it was too intimate, it’s between me and God. He then launched
into scripture Isaiah 30 to be exact. Which is talking about repentance; in
turning FROM (sin) and INTO (God) in repentance. Its just not turning from...
there is a second step to repentance.
He said the marriage bed can be a place of masturbation, prostitution
or intimacy. He talked about the story in Luke 7 "Jesus Anointed by a
Sinful Woman." We read it together, we talked about how Simon called Jesus
"teacher" (an object) and Jesus addressed him as Simon (a person).
Simon treated the situation as if Jesus was a trophy in his house and this
woman was defiling it. Also, Jesus called Simon out on HIS sins to show him he
isn't without sin. Just like the parable of the prodigal son, seeing ones self
as high and mighty and not seeing ones own sin. Our counselor also pointed out
that Simon never said anything out loud, "he said to himself." So not
only did Jesus know his thought he also knew his sins and then asked him, 41“ Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One
owed him five hundred denarii,d and the other fifty. 42Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he
canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”43 Simon
replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.” “You have judged
correctly,” Jesus said.
Our counselor asked me, "What was the Jesus' point?"
and the only thing I could think of was that Jesus was more valuable to those
who have more to be forgiven.
Our counselor wanted to know
why prayer was too intimate for me to want to share with my husband and I
explained I feel criticized and that he is always looking at me through a
microscope seeing if what I believe matches his theology. I don't want to
debate theology with him, I want to share Jesus together, but it feels unsafe
and too vulnerable.
I'm worried I
don't know what intimacy in sex is. I'm also concerned my lack of wanting to be
vulnerable is causing me to not be intimate.
Small google
search I found this:
"A fear of
intimacy comes out of a sense of vulnerability to being emotionally hurt. It's
not the intimacy itself that most people fear. It's being criticized, rejected,
shamed, controlled, swallowed up, or losing oneself in the other that sets in motion
the self-protective shutting down that keeps intimacy under wraps. There is
often a correlation with low self-esteem and feelings of being unlovable,
defective or even worthless. In order not to be found out, barriers to intimacy
go up."
Homework: pray together. Don't just push through, partake.
Jake home work: no criticism.
Homework: pray together. Don't just push through, partake.
Jake home work: no criticism.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Baby Steps
This morning was rough:
I am extremely selfish.
Bitterness is an easy choice when I feel justified in my feelings.
I ALMOST cheated physically because I've been un-persuade and not important sexually to my spouse. Yet now that I've been honest it's like I have caused even more distance! I know what I did was hurtful and selfish. I'm not alone in this - he is and was hurtful and selfish in his lack of desire to please me. This isn't nice to say but I told him time and time again, "if we don't fix this it's not going to end well. I'm tempted to be pleased elsewhere." Yet, nothing changed! How and why am I the one taking all the "responsibility" for all this?
I looked up the ky guys Facebook to see his face and the next time I pulled up Facebook, my husband was watching. He asked who that was and I said, "him." he was hurt and now I have given my husband one more reason to be hurt and not touch me. Oy... The saga continues.
We spent the day with close friends being lazy and watching movies, napping, and doing nothing productive. After such a difficult morning I napped for about 3 hours and tonight had a great evening with my husband. We laid in bed, snuggled, talked, processed some emotions and then the most amazing thing happened. We kissed and even after asking him if he was ok with this we made out, touched each other and eventually had sex. It was amazing to be that close again and be able to express my feelings through touch. I could tell it was very difficult for my husband as I continued to ask him if he was doing on and if we needed to slow down. He encouraged me to touch him as I did to him as well. We tried to work on me in way of female stimulation which was amazing but not enough before the actual act of intercourse. He had a orgasam (I did not) and after he talked with me about how he didn't want to do that again; where he came and I didn't. He in no way shape or form wants to continue the pattern we had been doing and said he was sorry for him only having a release.
I laid with him wondering what I was feeling and thought about something quite disturbing. As I learned through counseling - I feel love through sex and being sexual but today I think it's even more superficial then that. As we were having sex I was disappointed he kept wanting to slow down and take our time, I wanted him to release. He desired to not release if I wasn't able, I didn't feel "complete" unless he did. Thus, I think I feel that I am not "good enough" if I don't get him to release. That the release is saying he loves me --this-- much. I know this is a false belief and it will take time and energy to reprogram my thoughts but it's good to understand I have a driving force behind getting him to his "release".
I asked him after what helped him to want to be intimate with me and he said it was him just trusting God no matter how difficult it was. I told him I was proud of him and believed we are on the right track. He agreed and we laid hugging one another.
We exchanged some questions:
WIFER: What are some things you need to hear from me regularly to feel loved and that you can continue to trust me?
HUSBANDER:
I care about your pain.
trust Jesus
You are the earthly source for filling all my emotional and physical needs.
Only you.
WIFER: What is one way daily that I can submit out of respect for you?
HUSBANDER: overall general - when he says stop or no to listen and respond (ie poking, tickling...)
HUSBANDER: What is a way I can make you feel wanted?
WIFER: in passing - sharing with me when you are turned on and grab me in passion frequently. Dirty text messages about what you are excited about.
Counseling tomorrow at 7:30pm...
I am extremely selfish.
Bitterness is an easy choice when I feel justified in my feelings.
I ALMOST cheated physically because I've been un-persuade and not important sexually to my spouse. Yet now that I've been honest it's like I have caused even more distance! I know what I did was hurtful and selfish. I'm not alone in this - he is and was hurtful and selfish in his lack of desire to please me. This isn't nice to say but I told him time and time again, "if we don't fix this it's not going to end well. I'm tempted to be pleased elsewhere." Yet, nothing changed! How and why am I the one taking all the "responsibility" for all this?
I looked up the ky guys Facebook to see his face and the next time I pulled up Facebook, my husband was watching. He asked who that was and I said, "him." he was hurt and now I have given my husband one more reason to be hurt and not touch me. Oy... The saga continues.
We spent the day with close friends being lazy and watching movies, napping, and doing nothing productive. After such a difficult morning I napped for about 3 hours and tonight had a great evening with my husband. We laid in bed, snuggled, talked, processed some emotions and then the most amazing thing happened. We kissed and even after asking him if he was ok with this we made out, touched each other and eventually had sex. It was amazing to be that close again and be able to express my feelings through touch. I could tell it was very difficult for my husband as I continued to ask him if he was doing on and if we needed to slow down. He encouraged me to touch him as I did to him as well. We tried to work on me in way of female stimulation which was amazing but not enough before the actual act of intercourse. He had a orgasam (I did not) and after he talked with me about how he didn't want to do that again; where he came and I didn't. He in no way shape or form wants to continue the pattern we had been doing and said he was sorry for him only having a release.
I laid with him wondering what I was feeling and thought about something quite disturbing. As I learned through counseling - I feel love through sex and being sexual but today I think it's even more superficial then that. As we were having sex I was disappointed he kept wanting to slow down and take our time, I wanted him to release. He desired to not release if I wasn't able, I didn't feel "complete" unless he did. Thus, I think I feel that I am not "good enough" if I don't get him to release. That the release is saying he loves me --this-- much. I know this is a false belief and it will take time and energy to reprogram my thoughts but it's good to understand I have a driving force behind getting him to his "release".
I asked him after what helped him to want to be intimate with me and he said it was him just trusting God no matter how difficult it was. I told him I was proud of him and believed we are on the right track. He agreed and we laid hugging one another.
We exchanged some questions:
WIFER: What are some things you need to hear from me regularly to feel loved and that you can continue to trust me?
HUSBANDER:
I care about your pain.
trust Jesus
You are the earthly source for filling all my emotional and physical needs.
Only you.
WIFER: What is one way daily that I can submit out of respect for you?
HUSBANDER: overall general - when he says stop or no to listen and respond (ie poking, tickling...)
HUSBANDER: What is a way I can make you feel wanted?
WIFER: in passing - sharing with me when you are turned on and grab me in passion frequently. Dirty text messages about what you are excited about.
Counseling tomorrow at 7:30pm...
Friday, August 31, 2012
At the Bottom there is Only One Direction To Reach For
Our Friday nights use to be filled with fun and friendship and tonight I lay here in bed next to a man who doesn't want to touch me. he's hurting because of me and I'm hurting because he is hurting. The insanity!
I feel I should have killed myself in high school. I hated life then and thought I would never amount to anything and I sit here today a mess and unable to see any good I have done. I have ruined lives. From my husband's, to my friends, to even my parents by constantly making bad choices and hurting people. There is no good in me!
He says I am precious to him but really? That's stupid, I've destroyed him!
I went to the store earlier and on the way I called the guy from KY. I imagine him ignoring my call because he is trying to care for me in the way I requested. Then moments later I reached for what I knew - God.
(SIDE NOTE: I only have one way to explain what happened next, I sat at the keyboard and I typed my prayer and god responded through my fingers... Some may say no way but only he could have said the things he said and lifted my spirits so easily.)
I am so mad at you. You abandoned me in my weakness and left me to my struggle without even reaching out to me. Why would you allow this to happen if you are God? Why would you allow you daughter to go down such a dirty and unclean path? This isnt how parents are to treat their children. Fathers are to shelter and care for their daughters through protection and guarding. Where we're you? I needed you and still do. I've made a giant mess of things and I'm tempted every moment to text and call this other man you "alloweded" into my life. Please stand in the gap where I am weak. Guide me to make better choices and show me your love. I want to feel the love of you and others and I'm frozen, cold, hard-hearted and needy. I've broken the only meaningful covenant here on earth and I don't when know if repairing can be done. I thought you wanted the best from me but why didnt you shelter me? Why do I feel I am walking this journey alone?
"Because you try to be good all on your own. You act like you don't need me and when you can't do it on your own you blame me for not protecting you. I've given you everything you need and you still go about your life as if you don't know the truth about the gifts I have given to you."
I want to believe you have given me all I need but then why do I not 'feel' your love or the love of others? I'm struggling to see where I messed up or where I didn't trust or believe you. I can't see it. Help me with my misunderstanding I don't get it. I need your spirit to show me since I can't figure it out on my own.
"That's it. You need my spirit to understand, to fight sin, to love well. You cannot fight satan alone. He will devour you at every turn. Arm yourself in my armor and listen to my spirit and believe in your heart I am with you and never will forsake you. For I am strong when you are weak."
how do I fight this battle of my flesh and earthy desires?
"With my spirit."
how do I believe when I lack the faith?
"With my spirit."
He's so bull headed. He can only see himself. How can he say he loves me and only focus on himself? God I'm trying to be 100% open and honest and share with him the ups and downs and all he can see are the negatives!
"Sounds like someone you know, yourself. Give him space, grace and unrealistic understand. Be what you would need."
The sadness has crept in. Why am I sad? Because I didn't put my trust in the one thing that is for sure. God.
God, How can I be sure this does happen again? Living in the spirit I am learning but what about when I forget or get complacent? Where have the implications of you been in my life? I can see things in the past (I think) - with women's retreat, my desire for service, and the way I love on my friends. But what happened? How did this seem to happen so fast? I am sure it crept in slowly but I want to know the signs for the future. How can I be sure that I don't let this happen again?
Pray, read your word, study, meditate on it, repeat.
I want to believe that I have faith enough to believe I can do this but I know I am going to need your help. How do I ask? How do I move forward without hinderances? I want to remember you are always there with me, always there for me, and always strong when i am weak. Please God, help deminish these feelings I have for this guy in KY. I need to focus on you and satan is knocking hard from his door of hell. Please resuse me, please teach me how to defend myself with the spirt and show me I am worth more then what I have myself credit for. Oh yeah God, how do I feel love again. Is that another one of those, "only through my spirit" moments. How? I've believed in you all my life but I truly want to BELIEVE YOU even more. Show me, teach me, mold me, form me, thow me in the fire to clean out my impurities. for only you know what is best for me and when i run from trusting you, I am alone, scared, and without my armor. I desire to hear more from you. I want to hear your voice, speak to my heart and mind and help me to love you husband better through this time. Please help me to just lean on you and not on my own understanding. Help me to be IN this and not just going through the motions and please help me to have patients with my special husband. You are his rock and I want you to be mine too. Thank you for continuing your work in us and thank you for NEVER giving us more then we can handle = although tis feels pretty close to the edge. I know I have been a thrill seeker, but today, I want to stay close to you and the comfort of what is known, not what is unknown. Thank you for all you have done for me. I know I have not given you the glory you deserve, for that I am sorry. I ask you lord for your forgiveness from the wrongs I have committed inside and out of my marriage. I am sinner only saved by your grace and I need more and more of you by your spirit to get through. I need help with my unbelief, reminded of your spirit, and strength to fight this battle. I desire to trust and love you again. AMEN
I cannot tell you how much "lighter" my spirit feels after hashing it out with God. I don't feel "better" in the good sense but lighter in the burden sense.
Till next time... I will fight.
I feel I should have killed myself in high school. I hated life then and thought I would never amount to anything and I sit here today a mess and unable to see any good I have done. I have ruined lives. From my husband's, to my friends, to even my parents by constantly making bad choices and hurting people. There is no good in me!
He says I am precious to him but really? That's stupid, I've destroyed him!
I went to the store earlier and on the way I called the guy from KY. I imagine him ignoring my call because he is trying to care for me in the way I requested. Then moments later I reached for what I knew - God.
(SIDE NOTE: I only have one way to explain what happened next, I sat at the keyboard and I typed my prayer and god responded through my fingers... Some may say no way but only he could have said the things he said and lifted my spirits so easily.)
I am so mad at you. You abandoned me in my weakness and left me to my struggle without even reaching out to me. Why would you allow this to happen if you are God? Why would you allow you daughter to go down such a dirty and unclean path? This isnt how parents are to treat their children. Fathers are to shelter and care for their daughters through protection and guarding. Where we're you? I needed you and still do. I've made a giant mess of things and I'm tempted every moment to text and call this other man you "alloweded" into my life. Please stand in the gap where I am weak. Guide me to make better choices and show me your love. I want to feel the love of you and others and I'm frozen, cold, hard-hearted and needy. I've broken the only meaningful covenant here on earth and I don't when know if repairing can be done. I thought you wanted the best from me but why didnt you shelter me? Why do I feel I am walking this journey alone?
"Because you try to be good all on your own. You act like you don't need me and when you can't do it on your own you blame me for not protecting you. I've given you everything you need and you still go about your life as if you don't know the truth about the gifts I have given to you."
I want to believe you have given me all I need but then why do I not 'feel' your love or the love of others? I'm struggling to see where I messed up or where I didn't trust or believe you. I can't see it. Help me with my misunderstanding I don't get it. I need your spirit to show me since I can't figure it out on my own.
"That's it. You need my spirit to understand, to fight sin, to love well. You cannot fight satan alone. He will devour you at every turn. Arm yourself in my armor and listen to my spirit and believe in your heart I am with you and never will forsake you. For I am strong when you are weak."
how do I fight this battle of my flesh and earthy desires?
"With my spirit."
how do I believe when I lack the faith?
"With my spirit."
He's so bull headed. He can only see himself. How can he say he loves me and only focus on himself? God I'm trying to be 100% open and honest and share with him the ups and downs and all he can see are the negatives!
"Sounds like someone you know, yourself. Give him space, grace and unrealistic understand. Be what you would need."
The sadness has crept in. Why am I sad? Because I didn't put my trust in the one thing that is for sure. God.
God, How can I be sure this does happen again? Living in the spirit I am learning but what about when I forget or get complacent? Where have the implications of you been in my life? I can see things in the past (I think) - with women's retreat, my desire for service, and the way I love on my friends. But what happened? How did this seem to happen so fast? I am sure it crept in slowly but I want to know the signs for the future. How can I be sure that I don't let this happen again?
Pray, read your word, study, meditate on it, repeat.
I want to believe that I have faith enough to believe I can do this but I know I am going to need your help. How do I ask? How do I move forward without hinderances? I want to remember you are always there with me, always there for me, and always strong when i am weak. Please God, help deminish these feelings I have for this guy in KY. I need to focus on you and satan is knocking hard from his door of hell. Please resuse me, please teach me how to defend myself with the spirt and show me I am worth more then what I have myself credit for. Oh yeah God, how do I feel love again. Is that another one of those, "only through my spirit" moments. How? I've believed in you all my life but I truly want to BELIEVE YOU even more. Show me, teach me, mold me, form me, thow me in the fire to clean out my impurities. for only you know what is best for me and when i run from trusting you, I am alone, scared, and without my armor. I desire to hear more from you. I want to hear your voice, speak to my heart and mind and help me to love you husband better through this time. Please help me to just lean on you and not on my own understanding. Help me to be IN this and not just going through the motions and please help me to have patients with my special husband. You are his rock and I want you to be mine too. Thank you for continuing your work in us and thank you for NEVER giving us more then we can handle = although tis feels pretty close to the edge. I know I have been a thrill seeker, but today, I want to stay close to you and the comfort of what is known, not what is unknown. Thank you for all you have done for me. I know I have not given you the glory you deserve, for that I am sorry. I ask you lord for your forgiveness from the wrongs I have committed inside and out of my marriage. I am sinner only saved by your grace and I need more and more of you by your spirit to get through. I need help with my unbelief, reminded of your spirit, and strength to fight this battle. I desire to trust and love you again. AMEN
I cannot tell you how much "lighter" my spirit feels after hashing it out with God. I don't feel "better" in the good sense but lighter in the burden sense.
Till next time... I will fight.
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