Counseling is NEVER what we expect

Steve (our counselor) asked me to tell him about the "Defending me" email I sent him. I did my best to explain what I was feeling and he expressed that its not up to husband to say something. If someone has offended or hurt me, its my place to say what the "wrong" is."

Our counselor then referenced the book "The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict" by Ken Sande and explaining that what is needed from the other party is the Seven A's of Confession. 

1. Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
6. Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
7. Ask for forgiveness

(See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13.)

Which can be brought about by "showing" the other person through example. Meaning, when I wrong them to show them through doing the Seven A's. I agreed that this would be helpful, but I was struggling with "Is it worth the battle of confronting my mother-in-law?" Steve asked me if its because you don't love her or because she isn't worth it. 

I do struggle with if she is worth the battle for me. I don't believe she will ever change, I don't see her as someone who can be trusted, and I don't want to pour into someone who manipulates people (me) with emotions, while using Christ as her pivot of manipulation. (remember this is only my perspective).

Husband: How can I love you better today?

1. SUPPORT - telling me when you agree with me, not speaking the negative, concern, argue in the same sentence. 
example:
Me:I would really like to go to powells and get peacemaker the book that Steve keeps talking about.  

You: I love how "jump head first" you are about learning and growing. I would also love to read that book. Lets get it. Would you be ok with waiting till you finish your current book?

2. TRUTH - Communicating to me when you are feeling attacked in the cases when your walls go up. 

Me: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING.... WHAT I AM SAYING IS....

You: I am trying to understand what you are saying but I am having a hard time hearing your words through a your raised voice. Do you think you could maybe talk more calmly so I can understand and hear you or should we take a break and talk about this when you have had a moment. I do not want to put up a wall between us and I want to understand where you are coming from and what you are trying to communicate.

Ending a judgmental or argumentative statement with "I love you." doesn't make it less painful or hurtful and it also doesn't communicate love. 

Idea, if you are trying to soften a blow of a comment or concern... say that, example: you are spending a lot of money on fast food and going out, but I love you. Change it to something like: I am concerned about our finances and how much is being spent on eating out. Is there something I can do to help us stay true to our budget? this way, there is no finger pointing but you are in it. I can feel like you are pointing out something I am doing wrong from up high pointing and your finger is shame shaming me. If I understood WE are in it together and you are taking some of the burden too, I would feel love and hopefully a willingness to face it.