Baby Steps

This morning was rough:
I am extremely selfish.
Bitterness is an easy choice when I feel justified in my feelings.

I ALMOST cheated physically because I've been un-persuade and not important sexually to my spouse. Yet now that I've been honest it's like I have caused even more distance! I know what I did was hurtful and selfish. I'm not alone in this - he is and was hurtful and selfish in his lack of desire to please me. This isn't nice to say but I told him time and time again, "if we don't fix this it's not going to end well. I'm tempted to be pleased elsewhere." Yet, nothing changed! How and why am I the one taking all the "responsibility" for all this?

I looked up the ky guys Facebook to see his face and the next time I pulled up Facebook, my husband was watching. He asked who that was and I said, "him." he was hurt and now I have given my husband one more reason to be hurt and not touch me. Oy... The saga continues.

We spent the day with close friends being lazy and watching movies, napping, and doing nothing productive. After such a difficult morning I napped for about 3 hours and tonight had a great evening with my husband. We laid in bed, snuggled, talked, processed some emotions and then the most amazing thing happened. We kissed and even after asking him if he was ok with this we made out, touched each other and eventually had sex. It was amazing to be that close again and be able to express my feelings through touch. I could tell it was very difficult for my husband as I continued to ask him if he was doing on and if we needed to slow down. He encouraged me to touch him as I did to him as well. We tried to work on me in way of female stimulation which was amazing but not enough before the actual act of intercourse. He had a orgasam (I did not) and after he talked with me about how he didn't want to do that again; where he came and I didn't. He in no way shape or form wants to continue the pattern we had been doing and said he was sorry for him only having a release.

I laid with him wondering what I was feeling and thought about something quite disturbing. As I learned through counseling - I feel love through sex and being sexual but today I think it's even more superficial then that. As we were having sex I was disappointed he kept wanting to slow down and take our time, I wanted him to release. He desired to not release if I wasn't able, I didn't feel "complete" unless he did. Thus, I think I feel that I am not "good enough" if I don't get him to release. That the release is saying he loves me --this-- much. I know this is a false belief and it will take time and energy to reprogram my thoughts but it's good to understand I have a driving force behind getting him to his "release".

I asked him after what helped him to want to be intimate with me and he said it was him just trusting God no matter how difficult it was. I told him I was proud of him and believed we are on the right track. He agreed and we laid hugging one another.

We exchanged some questions:
WIFER: What are some things you need to hear from me regularly to feel loved and that you can continue to trust me?

HUSBANDER:
I care about your pain.
trust Jesus
You are the earthly source for filling all my emotional and physical needs.
Only you.

WIFER: What is one way daily that I can submit out of respect for you?

HUSBANDER: overall general - when he says stop or no to listen and respond (ie poking, tickling...)

HUSBANDER: What is a way I can make you feel wanted?

WIFER: in passing - sharing with me when you are turned on and grab me in passion frequently. Dirty text messages about what you are excited about.

Counseling tomorrow at 7:30pm...