Alone.
Angry.
Frozen.
Hard hearted.
Unmoving.
Empty.
Cold.
Relieved.
Stunned.
Corrupt.
If I had to sum up my feelings into 10 words; those would be
them. I wish the list included: sorry, sad, broken, weary, struggling… but it
doesn’t. Although my response and feelings at this time are not what I desire,
I am not giving up the fight for what I want/need:
¼ reach
out to God with brokenness and invite Him into the struggle
¼ be
loved.
¼ gain
forgiveness from those I have hurt.
¼ restore
my marriage.
¼ fall
in love with Jesus again.
¼ allow
my actions to speak about who I am in Christ.
¼ put
trust back in my sex life with my husband.
¼ to
remove the idol of having an orgasm.
I am working up the courage to bring all this to God. Even
though I know he knows all of this already its still something I have to do on
my own and when I am ready. What has been holding me back is the sheer feeling
of not being protected and feels thrown to the wolves so to speak. I just don’t
understand why he didn’t “throw me from the horse” to stop me or something… I
just feel alone and abandoned by him.
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