Betrayal

Marriage isn’t something I thought would be easy but I surely thought that with love and communication it wouldn't be this hard. Well, I was wrong. I am now learning that it’s just as hard to love and be loved by Jesus too.

I have been married for 5+ years and I have made many mistakes I wish I could take back. I have kept some of them secret because I didn’t want to hurt my husband or cause us more “problems” then we already had.

When we were dating, I kissed an ex-boyfriend. I explained it away and never told a soul.

Three years into our marriage my husband went away on a trip and I wanted some girl time, so I invited my ex-girlfriend (yes, of the intimate kind) over for drinks and games. We ended up kissing and touching throughout the night. I promised myself and God it wouldn’t happen again and I started counseling shortly after.

Three weeks ago, I started a “texting” relationship with a co-worker who lives in KY. With me in Oregon I didn’t think much of it. It started mellow with jokes, laughter continuing to flirtatious talk and moved progressively into sex-ting, exchanging pictures and day dreaming about going there to visit. Within a matter of days I wanted to feel the passion and lust all over my body. I started looking for someone local who could just be the sexual enjoyment I was missing at home. 

Thursday night I reached out to a friend from church and this is what I sent her:
Lets start with today and work backwards. I am married which I am not sure I want to be anymore. I love my husband and could NEVER imagine leaving but I am not 100% happy. I know that this is because I am selfish and immature but I can't seem to get a handle on it. I hear about others marriages ending in infidelity and I wish I was the one cheating. I wish I had someone on the side to make me feel sexy, hot, lovable, enjoyable, irresistible. My husband is a great "life partner" he isn't selfish or unkind, he will always love me first before himself, and he is sweet. Why then do I want to cheat? Because i have been married 5+ years with no sexual enjoyment. We waited till we were married to have sex (which I now feel like that was a curse). I have had MANY sexual partners and enjoyed sex from my teens till early 20's... and now I am stuck with this marriage that is unfullfilling in bed and I honestly wish I was with someone who didn't love me but could bring me to great sexual pleasure. I know this is insane. I know in my mind this doesn't make sense, but I don't think i can live another year like this. 

For the last week i have been looking for someone to have mind blowing sex with. It happened, I found someone... I have been texting him for a couple days and today I couldn't go through with it. I sit alone in my room wishing and hoping for mind blowing sex and sadly all I can do is touch myself which is hardly passionate or enjoyable (outside of the orgasm). It was two days ago that I got a message from a man who tried to talk some sense into me about the ramifications. Well... it worked and I think he was sent from God. Have I prayed about this... NO. I am pissed. I prayed for a Godly man to marry, I gave my life to ministry, I served his church and loved on people well, i did local missions, I loved my husband despite how hard it is for me... and what was I given... a sexually dysfunctional man. One who can't be taught (by me - since still 5 years later - He has learned nothing). He lacks confidence and passion. He moves to quickly and its over before I even get out of my head. I know this is WAY too much information, but I really can't hold this in any longer. He is too tender to hear any of this. He is too prideful to ask for help and I am INCHES from having an affair. Do I want to NO, but I feel I am at the end of what I feel is a SAD unenjoyable marriage. This isn't about love. I love my husband - really I do... it may not sound like it, but my heart is OWNED by him. 

I have told him time and time again that if we don't work this out, Its not going to end well and nothing happens. We attempted to go to counseling and the counselor thought I was the only one who needed it and if I got help it would be fixed. I went to 9 months of counseling to still feel this way. What a waste!!! 

As you can probably tell... I am now to the point of anger. I have planned this trip, looked for someone else, found someone, and want to just go through with it but I can't.... WHY? I want to so badly. I want to be passionately enjoyed not just poked and tired of pretending it was good for me too. 

I am really sorry for how graphic all of this is, I am just sick and tired of beating around the bush about the problem. PASSION... that is the problem. Im bored. Oy.... I am not looking for advice. In fact I dont' know what I am looking for. I am just so alone... scared... mad... and ready to just give it all up. 

We talked on the phone and she prayed for me. I didn't go through with it. She encouraged me to share all of it with my husband that that was not what I wanted to hear.