Our Friday nights use to be filled with fun and friendship and tonight I lay here in bed next to a man who doesn't want to touch me. he's hurting because of me and I'm hurting because he is hurting. The insanity!
I feel I should have killed myself in high school. I hated life then and thought I would never amount to anything and I sit here today a mess and unable to see any good I have done. I have ruined lives. From my husband's, to my friends, to even my parents by constantly making bad choices and hurting people. There is no good in me!
He says I am precious to him but really? That's stupid, I've destroyed him!
I went to the store earlier and on the way I called the guy from KY. I imagine him ignoring my call because he is trying to care for me in the way I requested. Then moments later I reached for what I knew - God.
(SIDE NOTE: I only have one way to explain what happened next, I sat at the keyboard and I typed my prayer and god responded through my fingers... Some may say no way but only he could have said the things he said and lifted my spirits so easily.)
I am so mad at you. You abandoned me in my weakness and left me to my struggle without even reaching out to me. Why would you allow this to happen if you are God? Why would you allow you daughter to go down such a dirty and unclean path? This isnt how parents are to treat their children. Fathers are to shelter and care for their daughters through protection and guarding. Where we're you? I needed you and still do. I've made a giant mess of things and I'm tempted every moment to text and call this other man you "alloweded" into my life. Please stand in the gap where I am weak. Guide me to make better choices and show me your love. I want to feel the love of you and others and I'm frozen, cold, hard-hearted and needy. I've broken the only meaningful covenant here on earth and I don't when know if repairing can be done. I thought you wanted the best from me but why didnt you shelter me? Why do I feel I am walking this journey alone?
"Because you try to be good all on your own. You act like you don't need me and when you can't do it on your own you blame me for not protecting you. I've given you everything you need and you still go about your life as if you don't know the truth about the gifts I have given to you."
I want to believe you have given me all I need but then why do I not 'feel' your love or the love of others? I'm struggling to see where I messed up or where I didn't trust or believe you. I can't see it. Help me with my misunderstanding I don't get it. I need your spirit to show me since I can't figure it out on my own.
"That's it. You need my spirit to understand, to fight sin, to love well. You cannot fight satan alone. He will devour you at every turn. Arm yourself in my armor and listen to my spirit and believe in your heart I am with you and never will forsake you. For I am strong when you are weak."
how do I fight this battle of my flesh and earthy desires?
"With my spirit."
how do I believe when I lack the faith?
"With my spirit."
He's so bull headed. He can only see himself. How can he say he loves me and only focus on himself? God I'm trying to be 100% open and honest and share with him the ups and downs and all he can see are the negatives!
"Sounds like someone you know, yourself. Give him space, grace and unrealistic understand. Be what you would need."
The sadness has crept in. Why am I sad? Because I didn't put my trust in the one thing that is for sure. God.
God, How can I be sure this does happen again? Living in the spirit I am learning but what about when I forget or get complacent? Where have the implications of you been in my life? I can see things in the past (I think) - with women's retreat, my desire for service, and the way I love on my friends. But what happened? How did this seem to happen so fast? I am sure it crept in slowly but I want to know the signs for the future. How can I be sure that I don't let this happen again?
Pray, read your word, study, meditate on it, repeat.
I want to believe that I have faith enough to believe I can do this but I know I am going to need your help. How do I ask? How do I move forward without hinderances? I want to remember you are always there with me, always there for me, and always strong when i am weak. Please God, help deminish these feelings I have for this guy in KY. I need to focus on you and satan is knocking hard from his door of hell. Please resuse me, please teach me how to defend myself with the spirt and show me I am worth more then what I have myself credit for. Oh yeah God, how do I feel love again. Is that another one of those, "only through my spirit" moments. How? I've believed in you all my life but I truly want to BELIEVE YOU even more. Show me, teach me, mold me, form me, thow me in the fire to clean out my impurities. for only you know what is best for me and when i run from trusting you, I am alone, scared, and without my armor. I desire to hear more from you. I want to hear your voice, speak to my heart and mind and help me to love you husband better through this time. Please help me to just lean on you and not on my own understanding. Help me to be IN this and not just going through the motions and please help me to have patients with my special husband. You are his rock and I want you to be mine too. Thank you for continuing your work in us and thank you for NEVER giving us more then we can handle = although tis feels pretty close to the edge. I know I have been a thrill seeker, but today, I want to stay close to you and the comfort of what is known, not what is unknown. Thank you for all you have done for me. I know I have not given you the glory you deserve, for that I am sorry. I ask you lord for your forgiveness from the wrongs I have committed inside and out of my marriage. I am sinner only saved by your grace and I need more and more of you by your spirit to get through. I need help with my unbelief, reminded of your spirit, and strength to fight this battle. I desire to trust and love you again. AMEN
I cannot tell you how much "lighter" my spirit feels after hashing it out with God. I don't feel "better" in the good sense but lighter in the burden sense.
Till next time... I will fight.
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