Friday, August 31, 2012

Implications of my Life


Love is an unknown and unclear thing to me I am finding. I mean, I am married, have parents, and even wonderful friends who communicate they love me. What does that mean?

I had the pleasure of spending an evening with one of my besties and I am honestly so encouraged by the support I have received. We talked in detail about counseling, my hardened/absent heart and what my plans are going forward.

We talked in depth about the question that the counselor asked me: What are the implications of Jesus in my life?
First I had to look up what implications really meant – as it was confusing at first. Implication defined: the state of implying or being implied, without being plainly expressed.
With that, how do people know Jesus is in my life without it being plainly expressed?
As for today: … I want to say because I am working on my marriage and not giving up and because of my willingness to open and honest no matter how much it hurt me or those around me.

This questions (how do people know Jesus is in my life without it being plainly expressed?) really has me thinking about my whole life… how would people know? What am I doing to bring God glory without the knowledge of me being a believer to others? I will have to spend more time thinking about this and really search my heart for more.

One thing that really hit home with me was when we were talking about the guy in KY and how I am not “ready” to end it at this point. That it’s been so much fun, exciting, and really brought joy to my life. She asked me, have I fantasized about leaving to be with him and what does that look like. A small part of me has thought about what would happen if I just moved to KY and how life would change. It’s always been a fleeting thought because reality kicks me in the a$$ and tells me I am being foolish and that I could never leave my life here to be with this man I hardly know let alone my husband who I love dearly and desire to live the rest of my life with. But I guess it is still considered a fantasy to think about how things would change.

This caused me to really look at what will continuing this “relationship” cost me in the reality of the here and now?
It costs me…
¼  the trust of my husband.
¼  a hardened/absent heart towards the Lord.
¼  the uncertainty of where to put my focus.
¼  an unwillingness to progress towards restoration in my marriage.
¼  the love I long to understand and feel.

When I left her house I really felt convicted to just end it, what bad could come from just saying it’s over and I can’t communicate anymore? Nothing bad will happen, in fact, only good can come from making the right choice to just say goodbye.

I called and he wasn’t available so I sent him this text (last night):
I wanted to say this over the phone but you must be asleep. I care for you deeply and desire you tremendously but I cannot be friends right now. It's putting a wall between me and my marriage by creating in me a desire for you. My heart is breaking and my soul hurts but I have to do what is best for my marriage - even if I don't want to I think it's best for me. I hope you can understand. I wish u could hear your voice right now but maybe it’s best since I would probably chicken out if I actually talked to you. I'm so sorry. I want to know you too but can't do both right now.

He has not responded and I blocked him on google chat today. I desire greatly to know what he is thinking and feeling but I need to worry more about my husband’s feelings then his.

I told my husband when I got home that I ended it and he cried uncontrollably in my arms. He told me he feels like he is like the metal in the making of a samurai sword. Put into the fire to be malleable folding it over, hammering it, putting it back in the fire, working out the impurities and doing this over and over again to completion.

My heart breaks more for the pain I have caused him… Lord Help!

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