Love is an unknown and unclear thing to me I am finding. I
mean, I am married, have parents, and even wonderful friends who communicate they
love me. What does that mean?
I had the pleasure of spending an evening with one of my
besties and I am honestly so encouraged by the support I have received. We
talked in detail about counseling, my hardened/absent heart and what my plans
are going forward.
We talked in depth about the question that the counselor
asked me: What are the implications of Jesus in my life?
First I had to look up what implications really meant – as it
was confusing at first. Implication defined: the state of implying or being
implied, without being plainly expressed.
With that, how do people know Jesus is in my life without it
being plainly expressed?
As for today: … I want to say because I am working on my
marriage and not giving up and because of my willingness to open and honest no
matter how much it hurt me or those around me.
This questions (how do people know Jesus is in my life
without it being plainly expressed?) really has me thinking about my whole life…
how would people know? What am I doing to bring God glory without the knowledge
of me being a believer to others? I will have to spend more time thinking about
this and really search my heart for more.
One thing that really hit home with me was when we were
talking about the guy in KY and how I am not “ready” to end it at this point. That
it’s been so much fun, exciting, and really brought joy to my life. She asked
me, have I fantasized about leaving to be with him and what does that look
like. A small part of me has thought about what would happen if I just moved to
KY and how life would change. It’s always been a fleeting thought because
reality kicks me in the a$$ and tells me I am being foolish and that I could
never leave my life here to be with this man I hardly know let alone my husband
who I love dearly and desire to live the rest of my life with. But I guess it
is still considered a fantasy to think about how things would change.
This caused me to really look at what will continuing this “relationship” cost me in the reality of the
here and now?
It costs me…
¼ the
trust of my husband.
¼ a
hardened/absent heart towards the Lord.
¼ the
uncertainty of where to put my focus.
¼ an
unwillingness to progress towards restoration in my marriage.
¼ the
love I long to understand and feel.
When I left her house I really felt convicted to just end
it, what bad could come from just saying it’s over and I can’t communicate
anymore? Nothing bad will happen, in fact, only good can come from making the right choice to just say goodbye.
I called and he wasn’t available so I sent him this text
(last night):
I wanted to say this over the phone
but you must be asleep. I care for you deeply and desire you tremendously but I
cannot be friends right now. It's putting a wall between me and my marriage by
creating in me a desire for you. My heart is breaking and my soul hurts but I
have to do what is best for my marriage - even if I don't want to I think it's
best for me. I hope you can understand. I wish u could hear your voice right
now but maybe it’s best since I would probably chicken out if I actually talked
to you. I'm so sorry. I want to know you too but can't do both right now.
He has not responded and I blocked him on google chat today.
I desire greatly to know what he is thinking and feeling but I need to worry
more about my husband’s feelings then his.
I told my husband when I got home that I ended it and he
cried uncontrollably in my arms. He told me he feels like he is like the metal
in the making of a samurai sword. Put into the fire to be malleable folding it
over, hammering it, putting it back in the fire, working out the impurities and
doing this over and over again to completion.
My heart breaks more for the pain I have caused him… Lord
Help!
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