Last week, I
asked Husband if he would go see a new movie with me. He didn't really want to
see the movie I had picked because he really doesn't like scary movies and he
suggested I ask one of his lifetime friends. So, I did. His friend and I
planned to go on Thursday evening a couple weeks ago and I arrived way too
early (since I came my individual counseling session) and I let him know I had
arrived and was at the resteraunt and if he wanted to come early and get a
meal, then I am here. No response, then i let him know I had his ticket and was
waiting in the lobby 30 min before the show. Again, no response. I then asked
if we were still on for the movie, and again no response. I didn't know what to
think. I text him 5 min before the movie stated and let him know he was going
to to have to get his own ticket since I have gone inside the theater. Still
nothing. I saw the movie alone. I didn't really mind that part as much as I
felt completely stood up. I texted Husband through out the process and he also
texted his friend and nothing in response. I was really upset that I would
drive all the way to vancouver and wait a couple hours just to be stood up. I
was really bugged about it. The next morning he texted both Husband and I
saying he hurt himself at the gym and took some pain medication and laid down
and fell asleep and didn't wake up till morning.
Yesterday Husband
and I were planning our day and we decided to go see a movie. I asked Husband
to text his lifetime friend and say, "want to make it up to Wife and go
see a movie @ 2:30 today?" Husband thought this was great idea and
when I asked him what he sent to his friend he responded, "want to go see
a movie today at 2:30?" I instantly feel like he didn't care that his
friend stood me up and I was sad in that moment that he wouldn't stand up for
me and call his friend out on his mistake. Yes, the reason he didn't come to
the movie was a good reason, and even one that isn't a big deal but I didn't
feel emotionally loved in that moment. So, I asked Husband in that moment, why
didn't you ask him about making it up to me? He didn't have a response. Then I
asked, when he said he was sorry for not making it and that he slept right
through, what was your response? "nothing, I was frustrated with him that
he stood you up and I didn't want to respond angry." I then really wanted
to know what he meant by that because he has REARILY responded badly out
of a sin place to ANYONE. In fact, I can't even think of a time he has EVER
responded badly. I asked, Has there been a time when you have defended me to
someone else? He said, "when we were walking to Andy and bax yesterday I
saw a guy who looked shardy and I got between you and him so he coudln't hurt
you." I then explained that wasn't defending but physically protecting. He
agreed. Then I asked him, can you give me an example of when you have responded
badly/out of a sin place? "yeah, when we were having a conflict in the car
and I started punching the dash board." I then thought, that isn't an
emotional response, that was a physical response. I then asked him again, has
there been a time that you have emotionally/verbally responded to a situation
that was out of sin? He couldn't think of one, so I then asked an even more
probing question, do you think you don't respond verbally because you odn't
want to cause conflict? He said no. I disagreed and shared with him a situation
when it was even more important for him to protect me and defend me
verbally and he didn't.
This was 2
months ago when his sister was in the hospital having her second child. Husband
and I had arranged to borrow his mothers car a few days before megan went to
labor and I called her that Saturday to reconfirm (which was also 2 days after
the birth). I made small talk about the new baby and how happy she must be to
have another grand-baby. I then reminded her about the car and our plan to go
tubing and wanted to make sure that we could still use her car. She said,
"I have to be honest with you, it's not appropriate for you to call me and
ask to borrow MY car when you have not made time to go see MY new grand-baby.
You and Husband need to make it a priority to go see megan and the baby while
they are in the hospital. Megan is also very upset about you guys not coming to
the hospital yesterday and went out with your friends instead. So, No you can
not borrow MY car till you go see MY grandbaby. I can not be apart of your decision to
go tubing and not go see MY grand-baby." she was crying and I was so hurt.
I responded, "I can see where you are coming from but Husband and I are in
the car right now on our way to fred meyer to get some things for them at the
hospital. Yesterday we already had plans to go to a dear friends birthday party
- in which they bought everyone tickets to see the dark night - we couldn't
cancel. You have offended me and I am hut, and I cannot continue to talk with
you. I need to hang up. I love you. Good bye" click. She attempted to call
me 3 or 4 more time, I didn't answer or response. She even called Husband and
he didn't answer. I was crying and mad at how manipulated I felt and husband
said he understood and didn't say much else. When we arrived at the hospital
Megan said her mom call her and told her she set me straight about going to the
hospital and megan told he me she was sorry and that she wasn't upset with us
at all about anything. She did want us to come see her but she also understood
that we would come when we had time. She knew we would make it a priority. I
started to cry and told her she is a priority and we wouldn't miss this
precious moment. Their mom then also called just a few minuets into us being at
the hospital and asked to talk with me, Husband said he would talk to her. I
couldn't hear what she was saying but Husband said she was crying and that she
just loves megan and us so much that she was hurt for megan and our lack of
attention to this precious moment in the family. Husband pacified her and said,
I understand mom, we love you. Everything is ok, don't worry. We love you. Its
all going to be ok, we love you.... and on and on and on. At no point did he
stand up for me and say anything about how we are adults and its not ok for her
to manipulate us, and she is wrong and she hurt me.... nothing. He
just calmed her down, told he its ok (which it wasn't) and told her we loved
her. I didn't think anything of it because this is how it has always been with
her. She is always doing things like this to control situations in the family
and try to make us feel guilty for not dropping everything to come be with them
or the family - when they dont' plan more then 48 hours in advance for things.
After
explaining/reminding Husband of the this situation, I asked him, How did you
defend me to your mother? He said, I don't know.
I said, I was
hurt that I don't feel he defends me and he didn't say anything, I would
even bet you don't because you think I can handle it on my own but that isn't
the point, I need you to show me that you love me by protecting me. Would Jesus
protect his church? I could tell he just wanted
the conversation to be over.
I said, one last
thing, "You care more about how you look to others and protecting
yourself/imagine, then you do about defending me."
After about 15
min of silence. He asked me, What is going on in your head?
I half smiled
and said, I was just thinking about how we just talked and I am happy that I
was able to communicate with you about how I was feeling and I didn't respond
out a sinful angry place. Wouldn't you agree?
Husband: Yeah, i
would say you almost let it get away from you at times.
Me: Almost?!?!?
Really? I almost sinned? Is that what you are saying?
Husband: Well,
you did get upset and angry a couple times, but you reigned it in.
Me: Right... so
why couldn't you agree with me? I didn't sin, which is what I was semi-happy
about - that I was able to communicate a hurt and not yell and scream.
Husband: yeah,
but you almost did.
Me: Wow.... I
can't talk to you about this anymore.
We sat quietly
in the car the rest of the way. Does he have a "level of almost
sinned" scale and I got to close so I might as well have? I was unable to
shake the feelings I was having the rest of the day. I wanted to just leave and
walk out and take some time to myself but couldn't. We have one car and he
didn't want to let me out of his sight... not sure why, other then what he told
me, "I just love you and want to be with you." I didn't feel like
love. I felt smothered!! I texted andrea to see what she was doing and she
explained she was watching a mutual friends baby and invited me to come along.
I accepted and got some time. I explained ALL of this to Andrea and she was so
tender and sweet. She understood where I was coming from and even expressed I
had a right to be upset. It was nice to hear that I was "right" but
even more so felt good that someone understood my hurt.
The rest of the
day, I didn't even want to look at Husband and even now, really just want to
get some space. Its not that I don't want to be with him, I just want him to
see that its hurtful that he doesn't defend or protect me emotionally and it
communicates to me that I don't matter.
I went to bed
that night exhausted and didn't want to be touched or snuggled. We usually
talk for a couple hours before we fall asleep and I didn't say a word. He even
asked if he could put his arm around me and I siad, "Yeah" but wanted
to say no. I was beyond annoyed and hurt. This morning I wanted to get up
and leave him in bed still sleeping so we didn't have to talk or snuggle -
still don't want to talk to him about any of this because yesterday proved
UNPRODUCTIVE in me sharing my feelings. He will always see he is right unless
someone else explains it to him that he isn't being fair or "right".
I wanted to call our counselor that night and say, Can we meet today?
But I didn't feel I should because it wasn't as urgent as I was
making it.
Now, I sit
here... wishing that processing through writing would help and its not. :-(
I still want to
run.
I still don't
want to talk to him.
I still don't
want him to touch me.
I still don't
want to talk to Jesus about it.
Oy.
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