Evening with a TWIST

Tonight was an enjoyable evening with a twist.

We enjoyed a quiet evening at home. Me, blogging. Husband, cooking some food for the week and cleaning up. Us making the bed together and watching some funny you tube videos. At 9pm he suggested giving me a full body massage - which use to be code for "let's do it". Tonight I knew would be different. During the massage he didn't even once graze my sensitive parts - which I highly enjoy the "tease" aspect of this. When the massage was nearing its end I asked him why he didn't touch me "there" and he said he didn't know if I would enjoy it. Then without another word he started to touch me. Lightly caressing and softly opening. I'll save the "explicit" play by plays but all and all I was enjoying myself. A few min into it I ask him to pray for us and after assured him that the prayer wasn't because I wasn't enjoying it and intact I was greatly. I still couldn't brig myself to pray aloud but in my head I kept chanting, "stay here, be vulnerable, don't wonder...Jesus help me..." it was 15 min or so before my body started to "respond" and the "pleasure" of his touch was increasing. I wanted to pray aloud for us but i just couldn't find the words and didn't quite feel like I could. It was then that Pandora radio played a advertisement and I was distracted. Then I started to notice my hips getting tired, the touch wasn't just right, I could feel his clammy-sweaty skin and I couldn't recover my min. I tried to tell him what might help and we both got too wrapped up in the mechanics. I expressed I was done for tonight and felt instant embarrassment and shame. I covered my face with the pillow and my husband said, "it's not going to happen the first time, I enjoyed myself and I love you." I was negative in my mind by thinking, "it's been 5+ years - this is not the first time." I instantly wanted to get dressed and leave the room - which I did. I went to the restroom and came right back, I wanted to cry because this shouldn't be this hard. Why can't God just create a miracle and help us grow our marriage? We I not have enough faith? Do I not please him? Have I not asked enough? We are working on it and have not given up; couldn't he give us a glimmer of hope? I'll continue to fight be the disappointment and sadness filter in. I'm sad because I want to experience the pleasure and intimacy with my husband but I also want him to be encouraged that he can please me.

While I was getting dressed my husband asked me, "can you tell me what.." and I cut him off to say, "I can't talk about it right now." partly because I was naked and partly because I didn't want to cry. I have cried before and it's now a place of fear for my husband and I also hate the vulnerability it causes. No one should get to see my tears, they are mine and mine alone, especially if they are caused by another's actions or feelings.

I am now, back in bed, unwilling to talk about it and blogging to try to understand why....

We did end up talking about my disappointment and I used the analogy of ice cream. We don't usually have ice cream in the house to actually getting it and consuming it is quite the process of joy. We first have to leave the house, go to the store, get the ice cream, get the toppings, endure the ride home thinking of all the ways we can eat it, chill the bowl, let the ice cream get soft for scooping, put the toppings on, and consume. But the pleasure of the evening is like doing all the steps except consuming. It’s like a parent catching you with the bowl of already prepared ice cream and telling you, “No way, you can’t have that.” And not getting to enjoy the “finale” of the pleasure.

Husband expressed his enjoyment in the process and is willing to keep trying. I on the other hand, don’t want to have to go through the disappointment again. We will give it some time and I’m sure I will try it again.