Marriage Counseling - Week 4

Hit by a truck..... 

Yesterday's counseling was maddening. I could just quit going if it didn't impact anyone other then me. I know Counselour is trying to be helpful but damn it, it sure doesn't feel like it. I mean, who does he think he is... he only has known us for like 4 sessions (4 hours!!) he doesn't even know the history or anything. <Bleep>

Ok... let me back up... Its morning and I am still in a knotted ball over last night. First... I was already feeling uneasy about going since Wednesday last week Husband and I had a rough day with him withdrawing and me responding badly - I really didn't want to answer for my bad behavior and lack of trust. 

Then when we arrived, we saw Me Johnson coming out of the church.... Awkward!! She asked what we were doing there and Husband gave the cold shoulder and didn't respond. 

Then when we got in there... all hell (in my mind broke loose). I am not sure I am able to describe what happened - in a way that makes sense. But I will try plus saying verbatim what was said... this is a VERY long email... bare with me.... if you don't have time to read I understand. Its just a lot in my head. 

Counselour asked if we had talked about what happened Wednesday and if everything is out in the open. I explained yes, that I had talked to Husband about it all (feeling pushed away, reaching out to Andrea, emailing him (Counselour), and drinking more then I should have in response). He asked how we were doing and if we had confessed and repented. This was a new thought for both of us, he had to walk us through it. We both identified what our part was in the evening, where we both sinned and we were asked to confess to each other, ask for forgiveness and to pray together asking Jesus for forgiveness as well. This would seem like common sense, which it is for Christians, but to actually look at your spouse and say, I am sorry for... and I love you and then pray to god asking for forgiveness allowed with the other to God, was difficult. Counselour requested we do it right then and there, and we did. He then asked us how that felt. Husband felt like a weight was lifted and I on the other hand felt naked and exposed. I explained that my relationship with God is mine and mine alone, to ask me to confess aloud in front of Husband (and him) was intrusive and felt exposing. He then asked, How can you be intimate if you hold back? I wasn't sure. He then talked about Adam and Eve in the garden and being naked and unashamed but it also later talks about them being naked and ashamed which mean they hid. That the goal in marriage is to be naked and UN-ashamed. I have always felt that my confession needs to be between me and Jesus but I know that it shouldn't with Husband. He asked me if I feel criticized when I pray with Husband, I said, no. Then he wanted to know if it could build me to a place of safety with confession and prayer. I thought is could... he encouraged us to do that more. My stomach dropped. I don't want to do that. I want my relationship with God to be mine. But I will work towards that... argh. 

That was NOTHING in comparison to what is coming and how much more difficult this is about to get.

Back to intimacy. He believes that what I am looking for in an emotionally, physically, and spiritually connected relationship. Which will lead to a physical intimacy that i could ever dream of. Its frightening and raw. But as we build our intimacy it becomes explosive. 

I record our sessions to be able to go back and listen – so typing what was said might be best so you don’t get my spin on it.

He then asks me: What is the opposite of raw? 

Me: Protected. 

Counselour: protected.... callused. Can you have a raw experience with callousness?

Me: I think so.

Counselour: Really? Tell me about it.

Me: Because i have before.

Counselour: Now or before.

Me: Before we were married.

Counselour: and calloused lead to wow? 

Me: I don't know if it lead to it but I was able to have a wow experience. 

Counselour: Was it sex or was it intimacy?

Me: Sex.

Counselour: I am going to list Sex in the counterfeits and intimacy in the "created for" Physical intimacy has the counterfeit of sex. What does sex not have?

Me: Connection. Expectations. Requirements. 

Counselour: What do you mean by requirements?

Me: things you have to do in order to make your partner happy. 

Counselour: Tell me what those requirements might be because I am not sure I understand. 

Me: Sex just happens as appose to requirements of "I need "this" in order to....

He then went into talking about what sex doesn't have and he agreed that it doesn't have the connection. Seeing how you can have and orgasm without any connection at all (alone/masturbation). So its really just relegated to the orgasm. Intimacy blends the physical, emotional, spiritual, its hard to know which intimacy you are experiencing when they blend. 

Counselour: Sex is the counterfeit of physical intimacy, Conversations is the counterfeit of emotional intimacy and quiet times is the counterfeit of spiritual intimacy (but if you don't meet Jesus it isn't intimacy). A devotional life is different then a quiet time, its that emotional intimate connection, naked and unashamed with God. So, as you pray, I don't want to force you into being vulnerable and open but I want you to wrestle with the fact that being distant and protected, is the antithesis of intimacy. What we want in your relationship is full orbed, broad spectrum intimacy. And that, leads to wows that you can't really happen any other way. 

Me: Its always been that way.

Counselour: I understand, I don’t believe that you have had intimacy yet. You have had marriage sex, but you have not had intimacy.

Me: How do you acquire that?

Counselour: You fill the tank….

Paraphrase: He explained that Intimacy happens when you have it to give. Investing in each other builds intimacy (its talking, understanding, its gentleness). Distance, withdrawing and harshness will drain the tank faster then you can fill it.  That sin causes wholes in the tank that drain intimacy and need to be patched with confession, repentance, and prayer.

So in regards to Wednesday – how were we able to go from Husband being distant to being physically intimate. We talked and connected.

Counselour: Was it sex or intimacy?

Me: Intimacy… well… probably sex. 

Counselour: Tell me why you said intimacy first.

Me: Because there was emotion. But I think its really easy for me to turn it off. 

Counselour: ok, so did you turn it off?

Me: I think so.

Counselour: Why?

Me: because they don’t go together – in my mind they don’t go together.

Counselour: So that is part of the problem that is another whole in the tank. It may not be at the bottom and it may not drain the whole tank but its another whole. Tell me why you don’t think they go together and how can we correct that.

Me: Because I don’t know how to integrate them together.

Counselour: Why?

Me: Because before I ever felt intimacy in my whole life I learned sex. So sex came first.

Counselour: So let’s correct that. Physical intimacy is definitely going to involve an interweaving of emotional and spiritual intimacy. Prayer is a natural response to physical intimacy its not a response to sex, because sex is often times selfish. (he then explains in detail how to have prayer in sex).

Counselour talks then to Husband for a bit…about why doesn’t he give himself to my fulfillment and not leaving room for physical intimacy… which I then say, because I don’t really allow for it. Which was the WRONG thing to say – not because its not true but because what follows is HARD.

Counselour: How do you provoke it?

Me: I think the more I can get him excited the less likely there is to stare into each others eyes and all that…. Stuff.

Counselour: What do you mean all that Stuff…

Me: It weird’s me out. Because I feel like he is staring at me.

Counselour: so you don’t want intimacy.

Me: Maybe, I guess so…

Counselour: Well, tell me what you are talking about.

Me: I guess I just….

Counselour: What is the problem with staring into your eyes?

Me: Cause, I feel like he is staring at me. Giggle – it doesn’t feel close, it feels like im on stage.

Counselour: ok…. So what happens when he sees you? When he looks into your eyes and sees your soul? What happens?

Me: I don’t know.

Counselour: you said you are onstage, what does that mean?

Me: like that I am having to perform for him.

Counselour: Why perform?

Me: so that he gets sexually fulfilled.

Counselour: isn’t the problem that he does that too quickly?

Me: yes.

Counselour: so why do you need to perform. If he looks deeply into your eyes and tries to see your heart what happens if you look deeply into his?

Me: I don’t know

Counselour: Why not.

Me: maybe because I don’t

Counselour: ok

Me: that’s not true… we do – just not during sex

Counselour: why not? Of all times, that is the most important.

-          - At this time, I just want to move on. Its getting to ---- deep maybe… I just want the hour to be over.

Me: because its awkward.

Counselour: Why – explain the awkwardness to me.

Me: I don’t have a problem being naked in front of him, but I “FEEL” naked when he stears at me.

Counselour: ok, and you want to be naked and unashamed?

Me: yeah.

Counselour: right, so what is wrong with being naked?

Me: it doesn’t feel good.

Counselour: Why? Tell me what it feels like?

Me: cold.

Counselour: ok. How does the cold come? Is the cold husband created or me created?

Me: Im sure its me. Because he is always tender in that way.

Counselour: so if he is enjoying you, why is it cold?

Me: because that is what true love is.

Counselour: cold?

Me: uh huh.

Counselour: no its not.

Me: well maybe not true love, but what I feel is true love.

Counselour: tell me what you mean by cold, because I am interpreting cold to being negative.

Me: The way I have always felt love from my parents.

< again WRONG thing to say – not because its not true but because what follows is HARD. >

Counselour: Coldly?

Me: uh huh.

Counselour: Tell me about your parents.

Me: They are just cold people. Critical.

Counselour: how in the world is that love

Me: that is how they show it. Trying to be a better by being critical of me, so I can be better then what I am

Counselour: I want you to look at me and listen.

Me: <deep breath>

Counselour: That’s not love. God is never cold. Love is never critical. Love is never condemning. And what your parents have done is to rob you. We have this problem. The problem is, we compartmentalize. And so, I saw this in my wife… He tells the story of how his wife’s father didn’t’ know what love was or how to love Ann. Ann had to have him love her so what he did had to fit what love was. Ann had to redefine love.  Love is not cold. I wanted you to see that. Your parents may love you, but the way they express it in relationship with you is not love. You need to redefine love. You do not want coldness. You do not want condemnation, criticism, or judgment and it’s the last thing you can give. Love is tender, love is gentle, love is wonderful. You are safe when husband looks into your eyes. And some how I want you to believe that and experience that. Because that is true love. What your parents gave you is a counterfeit. Or at least in the way you are expressing it now. What they did was not loving. I know it hurts to think about that, and it leaves a whole in your stomach, and Im sorry. But you have to redefine love and you have to understand what love is and 1 corth 13 is a great place to go…you can’t have intimacy and love with a misunderstanding of what love is. And I understand completely why with the definition you just gave me you would want to be private, withdrawn and alone. Why the physical relationship would seem so much more satisfying then love. But there is so much more awaiting you me that you have not experienced. What are thinking and feeling?

Me: My stomach is turning. I don’t know what to think. You have got to be wrong is what I am thinking I guess.

Counselour: That I have got to be wrong?

Me: yeah. Because if you are right then that means they don’t love me.

Counselour: it means they have not expressed it, it does not mean they don’t love you. And they could have not expressed if for LOTS of different reasons (they never learned it, never felt it, didn’t want to show it…) I understand why Ann’s father was the way he was, but it was still wrong and I had to protect my wife. Do you interoperate criticism from others as love or just your parents?

Me: I don’t know. (Now thinking about it, its just my parents).

Counselour: I want you to take some time and read 1 corth 13 and hear what god says about love and look at Jesus, did he ever criticize? I think its really important. To love your parents doesn’t mean you criticize, but it does mean that you let them know that their criticisms hurt. That to love you means to say, that they love you. For them to love you means to take care of you. To be gentle. If they see flaws and problems to graciously point that out. Gal. 6 says. “1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Me: (boldly then I say) then I have to be willing to lose that relationship.

Counselour: Why?

Me: Because that is what she says, I am the mom, I make the rules and if you are going to stand up to me then you know where the door is and my sister in law did that once and she was cut out. (after thought: emotionally cut out – not physically)

Counselour: what does jesus say

Me: do it anyway

Counselour: well… you need to have a conviction of what Jesus is saying clearly, don’t make assumptions, don’t’ think, well he must mean. For you to enter into this battle, and it is a battle, it’s a battle for your mom, you have to have conviction that this is a battle that Jesus has called you to and he is telling you what the chain of command is and the order of the battle will be. Do you think that what you mom said was love?

Me: I think that’s her way

Counselour: Her way of what?

Me: loving.

Counselour: where is the love in it?

Me: Because she needs to feel a curtain way in order to feel loved.

Counselour: So you need to have an orgasm in order to feel loved and if husband doesn’t give it to you then you have every right to go find any man who will give you an orgasm so you can feel loved. Do you believe that?

Me: no. 

Counselour: That is the logic you just gave me. If your mom needs to sin in order to be loved, or in order to feel loved, is that right?

Me: That is her battle though.

Counselour: its also yours, she’s your mom and you have to decide how you will respond. Let me give you another analogy: if Husband need to have a 3 some in order to get off and feel loved. Do you have to give him a 3 some.

Me: I don’t have to no.

Counselour: well is it sin to do so?

Me: yeah.

Counselour: Then can you?

Me: Sin to please him?

Counselour: Is that a righteous thing to do.

Me: no.

Counselour: so then can you?

Me: no.

Counselour: so if husband says it’s a 3 some or I am out of here. What do you do?

Me: Leave. And say no.

Counselour: No, the right answer is to stay no and to stay. It is also to say, I hope you don’t leave and I want you to wrestle with Jesus over what you are asking me to do. And I want you to be a man of  faith and strength who loves me. Its not to say no and leave. Its to say, I can’t and I love you. If your moms say, give me what I want or leave, then you say, mom I can give you what I can give you, I want to be here. I love you and I want to be with you, and everything that I can give you that is righteous I will give you but I can’t give you what is sin, and if you love me and if you love yourself, you won’t ask me to. And you can decide whether I can stay, im telling you I want to be here, and I want to love you well. Don’t accept her statement that you have to leave. Do everything you can to stay. Because that is what love does. But don’t do sin because then what you say is mom you are more important then God and you can’t say that to any body. God will take care of you. That will revolutionize your relationship with Husband.

Me: that battle with my mother

Counselour: That battle to be a woman of integrity. That battle to not let others define you. That battle to let scripture tell you what is righteous and not to let other tell you what you have to do. Speaking the truth in both love and strength will revolutionize who you are which will consequently revolutionize the relationship you have with Husband and ultimately your mom. Don’t duck and run. And don’t sin. I understand why you are afraid to be open. Your mom never loved you. Jesus calls you to it. Do you understand what you rob husband of if he can’t know you and love you because its cold.

Me: He doesn’t know the difference.

Counselour: He doesn’t know the difference of what?

Me: What it feels like to be loved by me in that way.

Counselour: you rob him of being able to give that to you.

Me: but if he has never been able to then he doesn’t know.

Counselour: uh huh, but its still missing. Im not saying what he knows, or what he experiences in way of missing, I am saying what he ultimately misses. The two of you don’t have what you could have. Don’t’ settle. Don’t settle. Pursue it.

Counselour: Husband, I want you to be thinking about how you can help Me understand what you have to offer. Because she is going to have to think about what mom and dad did and redefine what love is. I want the two of you to spend some time looking at 1 corth 13.

Counselour: I am not trying to beat up on your mom and dad. I want you to understand that they may not understand what love is and did the best they knew, but it is not love. You can gentle like a surgeon pear away at what love is not and show them what love really is, especially as you learn and they see you and Husband. 1 peter 3:15 “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness” But don’t let mom and dad give you a counterfeit and tell you its real.  Do you feel like I am beating up on your folks?

Me: no. its just so much better then it was Im just not sure

Counselour: enjoy the better, I am not asking you to destroy that. Im not telling you to go in and issue a challenge.

Thoughts:

-          When has my mother ever battled for me? She always just cut me out, kicked me out, left me in my pain, shut me up and built her wall around everything.

-          Just another counseling session that shows me that having children is a FLAWED system and God is cruel.

-          How did my relationship issues with Husband become about me battling with my mother… lets just leave her out of it, because I need to worry and be focused on Husband. All this mom talk is getting old and tiresome.