Our counselor is really quite articulate and his questions
were very introspective and sometimes cutting to the core. He had no problem asking us the hard questions and
expecting answers.
·
We talked about what we want to get out of
counseling,
·
Why we think we are there,
·
What caused me to desire to go outside of my
marriage,
·
Sexual topics of mechanics, what women need,
husbands need to learn, and so on.
I was really shocked in our session because he really nailed
my husband hard about not learning my body and what I need to reach orgasm. He
kept saying he saying he is selfish and by not desiring to learn or trying he is denying me a truly fulfilling marital sex life. That he is always sexually
finished before me. He also hasn’t made much of an effort to pursue me of make
it better due to a fear of failure, but yet, not trying is a self-fulfilling-prophecy.
He told me that in my deep desire to have passionate sex, I
have made it my idol and in due course more important then my marriage and
ultimately more important then God.
He asked me about my parents and childhood and I shared how
my dad was emotionally not there and my mom was emotionally abusive and
unpredictable. I didn’t feel love growing up so the minute I learned I could
feel “love” through sex, I was sleeping around at age 16 and pursuing same sex
relationships to feel the love I didn’t get from my mom. The counselor was very
intuitive with in that he explained that just because I got married my views
were still the same, that the internal conflict is that I know my husband loves
me by all normal accounts but in my subconscious, I feel love through sex and
since sex isn’t good with my husband, thus causes a conflict.
He also told my husband not to shelter me from his feelings
because I need to understand how much it has hurt him that I have looked
outside our marriage for enjoyment.
He asked me what impact is my relationship with Jesus make
on my life today… and frankly its not making much of any impact. Why?
He did give my husband some homework on touching and learning my body and after revealing that my husband didn't want to be intimate with me, our counselor said to take his time and that he didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't ready for.
He also told my husband that although I make a bad choice I did not have a physical affair and to be aware I am here willing to work on it and I did tell him the truth.
I was so nervous to share with him what I had done and how I wasn’t in a place of repentance yet. We didn’t end up talking about my unrepentant heart and how the communication between me and the guy in KY is still ongoing. But it will be over before our next session.
I feel hopeful and ready to cut communication with Mr. KY and work toward restoration in my marriage. I am hurt and sad that my husband doesn't want to touch me or even try to be intimate at this time, but I also understand the pain I have caused. I am close to being ready to yell it out with God but will need to work on my repentance through his Spirit.
Until next time….
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