At the Bottom there is Only One Direction To Reach For

Our Friday nights use to be filled with fun and friendship and tonight I lay here in bed next to a man who doesn't want to touch me. he's hurting because of me and I'm hurting because he is hurting. The insanity!

I feel I should have killed myself in high school. I hated life then and thought I would never amount to anything and I sit here today a mess and unable to see any good I have done. I have ruined lives. From my husband's, to my friends, to even my parents by constantly making bad choices and hurting people. There is no good in me!

He says I am precious to him but really? That's stupid, I've destroyed him!

I went to the store earlier and on the way I called the guy from KY. I imagine him ignoring my call because he is trying to care for me in the way I requested. Then moments later I reached for what I knew - God.

(SIDE NOTE: I only have one way to explain what happened next, I sat at the keyboard and I typed my prayer and god responded through my fingers... Some may say no way but only he could have said the things he said and lifted my spirits so easily.)

I am so mad at you. You abandoned me in my weakness and left me to my struggle without even reaching out to me. Why would you allow this to happen if you are God? Why would you allow you daughter to go down such a dirty and unclean path? This isnt how parents are to treat their children. Fathers are to shelter and care for their daughters through protection and guarding. Where we're you? I needed you and still do. I've made a giant mess of things and I'm tempted every moment to text and call this other man you "alloweded" into my life. Please stand in the gap where I am weak. Guide me to make better choices and show me your love. I want to feel the love of you and others and I'm frozen, cold, hard-hearted and needy. I've broken the only meaningful covenant here on earth and I don't when know if repairing can be done. I thought you wanted the best from me but why didnt you shelter me? Why do I feel I am walking this journey alone?

"Because you try to be good all on your own. You act like you don't need me and when you can't do it on your own you blame me for not protecting you. I've given you everything you need and you still go about your life as if you don't know the truth about the gifts I have given to you."

I want to believe you have given me all I need but then why do I not 'feel' your love or the love of others? I'm struggling to see where I messed up or where I didn't trust or believe you. I can't see it. Help me with my misunderstanding I don't get it. I need your spirit to show me since I can't figure it out on my own.

"That's it. You need my spirit to understand, to fight sin, to love well. You cannot fight satan alone. He will devour you at every turn. Arm yourself in my armor and listen to my spirit and believe in your heart I am with you and never will forsake you. For I am strong when you are weak."

how do I fight this battle of my flesh and earthy desires?

"With my spirit."

how do I believe when I lack the faith?

"With my spirit."

He's so bull headed. He can only see himself. How can he say he loves me and only focus on himself? God I'm trying to be 100% open and honest and share with him the ups and downs and all he can see are the negatives!

"Sounds like someone you know, yourself. Give him space, grace and unrealistic understand. Be what you would need."

The sadness has crept in. Why am I sad? Because I didn't put my trust in the one thing that is for sure. God.

God, How can I be sure this does happen again? Living in the spirit I am learning but what about when I forget or get complacent? Where have the implications of you been in my life? I can see things in the past (I think) - with women's retreat, my desire for service, and the way I love on my friends. But what happened? How did this seem to happen so fast? I am sure it crept in slowly but I want to know the signs for the future. How can I be sure that I don't let this happen again?

Pray, read your word, study, meditate on it, repeat.

I want to believe that I have faith enough to believe I can do this but I know I am going to need your help. How do I ask? How do I move forward without hinderances? I want to remember you are always there with me, always there for me, and always strong when i am weak. Please God, help deminish these feelings I have for this guy in KY. I need to focus on you and satan is knocking hard from his door of hell. Please resuse me, please teach me how to defend myself with the spirt and show me I am worth more then what I have myself credit for. Oh yeah God, how do I feel love again. Is that another one of those, "only through my spirit" moments. How? I've believed in you all my life but I truly want to BELIEVE YOU even more. Show me, teach me, mold me, form me, thow me in the fire to clean out my impurities. for only you know what is best for me and when i run from trusting you, I am alone, scared, and without my armor. I desire to hear more from you. I want to hear your voice, speak to my heart and mind and help me to love you husband better through this time. Please help me to just lean on you and not on my own understanding. Help me to be IN this and not just going through the motions and please help me to have patients with my special husband. You are his rock and I want you to be mine too. Thank you for continuing your work in us and thank you for NEVER giving us more then we can handle = although tis feels pretty close to the edge. I know I have been a thrill seeker, but today, I want to stay close to you and the comfort of what is known, not what is unknown. Thank you for all you have done for me. I know I have not given you the glory you deserve, for that I am sorry. I ask you lord for your forgiveness from the wrongs I have committed inside and out of my marriage. I am sinner only saved by your grace and I need more and more of you by your spirit to get through. I need help with my unbelief, reminded of your spirit, and strength to fight this battle. I desire to trust and love you again. AMEN

I cannot tell you how much "lighter" my spirit feels after hashing it out with God. I don't feel "better" in the good sense but lighter in the burden sense.

Till next time... I will fight.

Talking to God

Alone.

Angry.

Frozen.

Hard hearted.

Unmoving.

Empty.

Cold.

Relieved.

Stunned.

Corrupt.

If I had to sum up my feelings into 10 words; those would be them. I wish the list included: sorry, sad, broken, weary, struggling… but it doesn’t. Although my response and feelings at this time are not what I desire, I am not giving up the fight for what I want/need:

¼  reach out to God with brokenness and invite Him into the struggle

¼  be loved.

¼  gain forgiveness from those I have hurt.

¼  restore my marriage.

¼  fall in love with Jesus again.

¼  allow my actions to speak about who I am in Christ.

¼  put trust back in my sex life with my husband.

¼  to remove the idol of having an orgasm.

I am working up the courage to bring all this to God. Even though I know he knows all of this already its still something I have to do on my own and when I am ready. What has been holding me back is the sheer feeling of not being protected and feels thrown to the wolves so to speak. I just don’t understand why he didn’t “throw me from the horse” to stop me or something… I just feel alone and abandoned by him. 

Implications of my Life

Love is an unknown and unclear thing to me I am finding. I mean, I am married, have parents, and even wonderful friends who communicate they love me. What does that mean?

I had the pleasure of spending an evening with one of my besties and I am honestly so encouraged by the support I have received. We talked in detail about counseling, my hardened/absent heart and what my plans are going forward.

We talked in depth about the question that the counselor asked me: What are the implications of Jesus in my life?

First I had to look up what implications really meant – as it was confusing at first. Implication defined: the state of implying or being implied, without being plainly expressed.

With that, how do people know Jesus is in my life without it being plainly expressed?

As for today: … I want to say because I am working on my marriage and not giving up and because of my willingness to open and honest no matter how much it hurt me or those around me.

This questions (how do people know Jesus is in my life without it being plainly expressed?) really has me thinking about my whole life… how would people know? What am I doing to bring God glory without the knowledge of me being a believer to others? I will have to spend more time thinking about this and really search my heart for more.

One thing that really hit home with me was when we were talking about the guy in KY and how I am not “ready” to end it at this point. That it’s been so much fun, exciting, and really brought joy to my life. She asked me, have I fantasized about leaving to be with him and what does that look like. A small part of me has thought about what would happen if I just moved to KY and how life would change. It’s always been a fleeting thought because reality kicks me in the a$$ and tells me I am being foolish and that I could never leave my life here to be with this man I hardly know let alone my husband who I love dearly and desire to live the rest of my life with. But I guess it is still considered a fantasy to think about how things would change.

This caused me to really look at what will continuing this “relationship” cost me in the reality of the here and now?

It costs me…

¼  the trust of my husband.

¼  a hardened/absent heart towards the Lord.

¼  the uncertainty of where to put my focus.

¼  an unwillingness to progress towards restoration in my marriage.

¼  the love I long to understand and feel.

When I left her house I really felt convicted to just end it, what bad could come from just saying it’s over and I can’t communicate anymore? Nothing bad will happen, in fact, only good can come from making the right choice to just say goodbye.

I called and he wasn’t available so I sent him this text (last night):

I wanted to say this over the phone but you must be asleep. I care for you deeply and desire you tremendously but I cannot be friends right now. It's putting a wall between me and my marriage by creating in me a desire for you. My heart is breaking and my soul hurts but I have to do what is best for my marriage - even if I don't want to I think it's best for me. I hope you can understand. I wish u could hear your voice right now but maybe it’s best since I would probably chicken out if I actually talked to you. I'm so sorry. I want to know you too but can't do both right now.

He has not responded and I blocked him on google chat today. I desire greatly to know what he is thinking and feeling but I need to worry more about my husband’s feelings then his.

I told my husband when I got home that I ended it and he cried uncontrollably in my arms. He told me he feels like he is like the metal in the making of a samurai sword. Put into the fire to be malleable folding it over, hammering it, putting it back in the fire, working out the impurities and doing this over and over again to completion.

My heart breaks more for the pain I have caused him… Lord Help!

Intense 1st Counseling Session

Yesterday we went to our first counseling session (Impact Biblical Counseling) which came highly recommended through the church leadership and others in our church.

Our counselor is really quite articulate and his questions were very introspective and sometimes cutting to the core. He had no problem asking us the hard questions and expecting answers.

·     We talked about what we want to get out of counseling,

·     Why we think we are there,

·     What caused me to desire to go outside of my marriage,

·     Sexual topics of mechanics, what women need, husbands need to learn, and so on.

I was really shocked in our session because he really nailed my husband hard about not learning my body and what I need to reach orgasm. He kept saying he saying he is selfish and by not desiring to learn or trying he is denying me a truly fulfilling marital sex life. That he is always sexually finished before me. He also hasn’t made much of an effort to pursue me of make it better due to a fear of failure, but yet, not trying is a self-fulfilling-prophecy.

He told me that in my deep desire to have passionate sex, I have made it my idol and in due course more important then my marriage and ultimately more important then God.

He asked me about my parents and childhood and I shared how my dad was emotionally not there and my mom was emotionally abusive and unpredictable. I didn’t feel love growing up so the minute I learned I could feel “love” through sex, I was sleeping around at age 16 and pursuing same sex relationships to feel the love I didn’t get from my mom. The counselor was very intuitive with in that he explained that just because I got married my views were still the same, that the internal conflict is that I know my husband loves me by all normal accounts but in my subconscious, I feel love through sex and since sex isn’t good with my husband, thus causes a conflict.

He also told my husband not to shelter me from his feelings because I need to understand how much it has hurt him that I have looked outside our marriage for enjoyment.

He asked me what impact is my relationship with Jesus make on my life today… and frankly its not making much of any impact. Why?

He did give my husband some homework on touching and learning my body and after revealing that my husband didn't want to be intimate with me, our counselor said to take his time and that he didn't want to push him into anything he wasn't ready for. 

He also told my husband that although I make a bad choice I did not have a physical affair and to be aware I am here willing to work on it and I did tell him the truth.

I was so nervous to share with him what I had done and how I wasn’t in a place of repentance yet. We didn’t end up talking about my unrepentant heart and how the communication between me and the guy in KY is still ongoing. But it will be over before our next session.

I feel hopeful and ready to cut communication with Mr. KY and work toward restoration in my marriage. I am hurt and sad that my husband doesn't want to touch me or even try to be intimate at this time, but I also understand the pain I have caused. I am close to being ready to yell it out with God but will need to work on my repentance through his Spirit. 

Until next time…. 

Friendship & Accountability

Tonight I met with my two best friends what has been going on and what I had confessed. They were so loving and yet showing me my sin at the same time. They were able to ask me open and honest questions – which I answered with complete truthfulness.

I love these ladies so much because regardless of how much I seem to screw up they still love me and want to walk with me in this.

They shared some very insightful things with me that I can’t over look and completely agree with.

1. What I describe to them about being sexually starved and how I have responded sounds like I have made passionate sex an idol.
2. Sounds like I don’t understand or feel the love of God.
3. I need to end this long distance “relationship”
4. A struggle isn’t a struggle is I am not turning my back from the sin.
5. It doesn’t sound like I am repentant. It sounds more like I am trying to be good for goodness sake.

I am not in a place of repentance (yet) but a place or wanting the truth out there. I am not sorry for what has happened but I am sad it has hurt my husband.

I am struggling to even talk to God.  Girlfriend suggested that I just come to Him honest and bare but I am not only ashamed but mad. Why would he allow us to go through all this when we are willing to do anything for him and his church? 

Confessions of a Wife

It was Sunday afternoon when we started our three hour drive home from a mini-vaca with friends when I asked. Do you think we have a good marriage? He said, “Yeah.” It was then that I verbally vomited out the words, “I almost had an affair this weekend and I have been having an emotional affair with a man in KY.” The shock was written all over his face. He said, “Thank you so much for telling me and being honest with me. I can imagine it was hard for you.” I was shocked, why think about me and how hard it is for me. I just told you I almost had a physical affair, yell at me, hate me, hit me, something!! I wanted him to be mad and tell me I am stupid. I wanted to hear the pain he was feeling, but all he could think about was me and how “hard” it was for me!

I went on to tell him about the two previous situations and how sorry I was. I told him I reached out to a church friend and that I really want to make our marriage work. I made a bad choice and want to work to repair us. At this point, I saw no fault on his part. I took all the blame (rightfully so – in my eyes) and was pained to think I had hurt this wonderful man once again with my sin.

He explained that he was in shock and wanted time to process his feelings. He didn’t want to share with me his pain and sheltered me from his thought. We cried together, he prayed for us, and we tried to encourage one another.

I was hopeless.

That evening we made plans to meet with some friends to pray with us and share what has happened. They asked questions and I shared fully what was going on with me. 

Betrayal

Marriage isn’t something I thought would be easy but I surely thought that with love and communication it wouldn't be this hard. Well, I was wrong. I am now learning that it’s just as hard to love and be loved by Jesus too.

I have been married for 5+ years and I have made many mistakes I wish I could take back. I have kept some of them secret because I didn’t want to hurt my husband or cause us more “problems” then we already had.

When we were dating, I kissed an ex-boyfriend. I explained it away and never told a soul.

Three years into our marriage my husband went away on a trip and I wanted some girl time, so I invited my ex-girlfriend (yes, of the intimate kind) over for drinks and games. We ended up kissing and touching throughout the night. I promised myself and God it wouldn’t happen again and I started counseling shortly after.

Three weeks ago, I started a “texting” relationship with a co-worker who lives in KY. With me in Oregon I didn’t think much of it. It started mellow with jokes, laughter continuing to flirtatious talk and moved progressively into sex-ting, exchanging pictures and day dreaming about going there to visit. Within a matter of days I wanted to feel the passion and lust all over my body. I started looking for someone local who could just be the sexual enjoyment I was missing at home. 

Thursday night I reached out to a friend from church and this is what I sent her:
Lets start with today and work backwards. I am married which I am not sure I want to be anymore. I love my husband and could NEVER imagine leaving but I am not 100% happy. I know that this is because I am selfish and immature but I can't seem to get a handle on it. I hear about others marriages ending in infidelity and I wish I was the one cheating. I wish I had someone on the side to make me feel sexy, hot, lovable, enjoyable, irresistible. My husband is a great "life partner" he isn't selfish or unkind, he will always love me first before himself, and he is sweet. Why then do I want to cheat? Because i have been married 5+ years with no sexual enjoyment. We waited till we were married to have sex (which I now feel like that was a curse). I have had MANY sexual partners and enjoyed sex from my teens till early 20's... and now I am stuck with this marriage that is unfullfilling in bed and I honestly wish I was with someone who didn't love me but could bring me to great sexual pleasure. I know this is insane. I know in my mind this doesn't make sense, but I don't think i can live another year like this. 

For the last week i have been looking for someone to have mind blowing sex with. It happened, I found someone... I have been texting him for a couple days and today I couldn't go through with it. I sit alone in my room wishing and hoping for mind blowing sex and sadly all I can do is touch myself which is hardly passionate or enjoyable (outside of the orgasm). It was two days ago that I got a message from a man who tried to talk some sense into me about the ramifications. Well... it worked and I think he was sent from God. Have I prayed about this... NO. I am pissed. I prayed for a Godly man to marry, I gave my life to ministry, I served his church and loved on people well, i did local missions, I loved my husband despite how hard it is for me... and what was I given... a sexually dysfunctional man. One who can't be taught (by me - since still 5 years later - He has learned nothing). He lacks confidence and passion. He moves to quickly and its over before I even get out of my head. I know this is WAY too much information, but I really can't hold this in any longer. He is too tender to hear any of this. He is too prideful to ask for help and I am INCHES from having an affair. Do I want to NO, but I feel I am at the end of what I feel is a SAD unenjoyable marriage. This isn't about love. I love my husband - really I do... it may not sound like it, but my heart is OWNED by him. 

I have told him time and time again that if we don't work this out, Its not going to end well and nothing happens. We attempted to go to counseling and the counselor thought I was the only one who needed it and if I got help it would be fixed. I went to 9 months of counseling to still feel this way. What a waste!!! 

As you can probably tell... I am now to the point of anger. I have planned this trip, looked for someone else, found someone, and want to just go through with it but I can't.... WHY? I want to so badly. I want to be passionately enjoyed not just poked and tired of pretending it was good for me too. 

I am really sorry for how graphic all of this is, I am just sick and tired of beating around the bush about the problem. PASSION... that is the problem. Im bored. Oy.... I am not looking for advice. In fact I dont' know what I am looking for. I am just so alone... scared... mad... and ready to just give it all up. 

We talked on the phone and she prayed for me. I didn't go through with it. She encouraged me to share all of it with my husband that that was not what I wanted to hear.