Failure to Progress

I stumbled in my communication with this other guy again. We started talking and texting again and I confessed to my best friend and had to end it forever.

What I told him:

We must stop all forms of communication. I can't allow this to continue no matter how much I "enjoy" it.

I hope you can respect this boundary. If you care for me like you say you do, please erase my number and not respond to me if I have a weak moment, please don't answer if I boo-dink and be strong for me. Please.

I am a married woman - happy or not, my mariage must be my priority and I hope you can forgive me for my part in this. I have not resisted the temptation to text or email you and for that I am equally at fault for allowing this to continue.

I have included my best friend on this email because I have proven I am not strong enough by myself to stay out of ongoing communication with you.

Please know this isn't about you. You have known since the beginning that I was weak and unhappy in my marriage and sadly I used you for pleasure, I am sorry.

I wish you all the best and encourage you to find happiness and comfort in more honest ways, as I plan to do this as well.

I had to tell my husband again and it WRECKED him. I feel terrible and wish I could take it all back. We will be working through this and I trust he is still in this with me.

I am asking the Lord to show me the damage it causes – so I can make better choices in the future.

I can’t fight sin alone, I have to depend on God to do it for me. Fight it alone will never end well and I can’t do it on my own. No matter how much I want to.

Why did I reach out to the other guy again? Excitement, fun, enjoyment in the midst of the pain and hard time in my marriage. There is no good reason, just selfishness and desire to be seen as sexy and hot my other men who can’t have me. Sad, sick, and a lonely place to be. 

Counseling is NEVER what we expect

Steve (our counselor) asked me to tell him about the "Defending me" email I sent him. I did my best to explain what I was feeling and he expressed that its not up to husband to say something. If someone has offended or hurt me, its my place to say what the "wrong" is."

Our counselor then referenced the book "The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict" by Ken Sande and explaining that what is needed from the other party is the Seven A's of Confession. 

1. Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
6. Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
7. Ask for forgiveness

(See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13.)

Which can be brought about by "showing" the other person through example. Meaning, when I wrong them to show them through doing the Seven A's. I agreed that this would be helpful, but I was struggling with "Is it worth the battle of confronting my mother-in-law?" Steve asked me if its because you don't love her or because she isn't worth it. 

I do struggle with if she is worth the battle for me. I don't believe she will ever change, I don't see her as someone who can be trusted, and I don't want to pour into someone who manipulates people (me) with emotions, while using Christ as her pivot of manipulation. (remember this is only my perspective).

Husband: How can I love you better today?

1. SUPPORT - telling me when you agree with me, not speaking the negative, concern, argue in the same sentence. 
example:
Me:I would really like to go to powells and get peacemaker the book that Steve keeps talking about.  

You: I love how "jump head first" you are about learning and growing. I would also love to read that book. Lets get it. Would you be ok with waiting till you finish your current book?

2. TRUTH - Communicating to me when you are feeling attacked in the cases when your walls go up. 

Me: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING.... WHAT I AM SAYING IS....

You: I am trying to understand what you are saying but I am having a hard time hearing your words through a your raised voice. Do you think you could maybe talk more calmly so I can understand and hear you or should we take a break and talk about this when you have had a moment. I do not want to put up a wall between us and I want to understand where you are coming from and what you are trying to communicate.

Ending a judgmental or argumentative statement with "I love you." doesn't make it less painful or hurtful and it also doesn't communicate love. 

Idea, if you are trying to soften a blow of a comment or concern... say that, example: you are spending a lot of money on fast food and going out, but I love you. Change it to something like: I am concerned about our finances and how much is being spent on eating out. Is there something I can do to help us stay true to our budget? this way, there is no finger pointing but you are in it. I can feel like you are pointing out something I am doing wrong from up high pointing and your finger is shame shaming me. If I understood WE are in it together and you are taking some of the burden too, I would feel love and hopefully a willingness to face it.

"Love Gives Life: A Study of 1 Corinthians 13" by Evan May

Love Gives Life: A Study of 1 Corinthians 13
by Evan May

Great SHORT read. 

Some of my favorite quotes:

"Obviously, the Bible contains guidelines for reconciling with those who have sinned against us (Matt. 5:23-24; 18:15-17), so Paul is not telling us to just sweep things under the rug and pretend like they never happened. Contrary to the notion of “unconditional forgiveness,” Jesus instructs us to forgive our brother seven times a day if he repents (Luke 17:3-4)."

"Love is like a playbook in which every move is designed to be gracious to someone; no matter which play you choose, the only options available to you are to do good for them. Love does not wait to decide whether there is something in the other individual that draws out love."

"This is a common temptation in the church today. We encounter people who have different convictions than we do, who don’t approve of something that we think is fine, and we are tempted to dismiss them or judge them because we feel that they look down on us."

“Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love. Love between two people must not, in the end, be identified simply with emotion or merely with dutiful action. Married love is a symbiotic, complex mixture of both. Having said this, it is important to observe that of the two—emotion and action—it is the latter that we have the most control over. It is the action of love that we can promise to maintain every"

"Love became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. God so loved the world that he sent Love into the world. Love clothed himself in human form and wrapped a towel around his waist to stoop and wash muddy feet. He did not come to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. He entered a cursed world to love the utterly unlovable, setting his affection and care on the diseased, broken, and self-destructive. He took upon himself our unbelievable selfishness and bore the weight of our empty love, burying."

Defending Me

Rough days are bound to happen, but never did I imagine I would want to end it all over one bad day. Never did I think I would be willing to just say, goodbye and not look back. Now, the rational part of me, didnt allow such feelings to get the best of me and take over, but the battle was ragging inside. 

Last week, I asked Husband if he would go see a new movie with me. He didn't really want to see the movie I had picked because he really doesn't like scary movies and he suggested I ask one of his lifetime friends. So, I did. His friend and I planned to go on Thursday evening a couple weeks ago and I arrived way too early (since I came my individual counseling session) and I let him know I had arrived and was at the resteraunt and if he wanted to come early and get a meal, then I am here. No response, then i let him know I had his ticket and was waiting in the lobby 30 min before the show. Again, no response. I then asked if we were still on for the movie, and again no response. I didn't know what to think. I text him 5 min before the movie stated and let him know he was going to to have to get his own ticket since I have gone inside the theater. Still nothing. I saw the movie alone. I didn't really mind that part as much as I felt completely stood up. I texted Husband through out the process and he also texted his friend and nothing in response. I was really upset that I would drive all the way to vancouver and wait a couple hours just to be stood up. I was really bugged about it. The next morning he texted both Husband and I saying he hurt himself at the gym and took some pain medication and laid down and fell asleep and didn't wake up till morning. 

Yesterday Husband and I were planning our day and we decided to go see a movie. I asked Husband to text his lifetime friend and say, "want to make it up to Wife and go see a movie @ 2:30 today?" Husband thought this was  great idea and when I asked him what he sent to his friend he responded, "want to go see a movie today at 2:30?" I instantly feel like he didn't care that his friend stood me up and I was sad in that moment that he wouldn't stand up for me and call his friend out on his mistake. Yes, the reason he didn't come to the movie was a good reason, and even one that isn't a big deal but I didn't feel emotionally loved in that moment. So, I asked Husband in that moment, why didn't you ask him about making it up to me? He didn't have a response. Then I asked, when he said he was sorry for not making it and that he slept right through, what was your response? "nothing, I was frustrated with him that he stood you up and I didn't want to respond angry." I then really wanted to know what he meant by that because he has REARILY responded badly out of a sin place to ANYONE. In fact, I can't even think of a time he has EVER responded badly. I asked, Has there been a time when you have defended me to someone else? He said, "when we were walking to Andy and bax yesterday I saw a guy who looked shardy and I got between you and him so he coudln't hurt you." I then explained that wasn't defending but physically protecting. He agreed. Then I asked him, can you give me an example of when you have responded badly/out of a sin place? "yeah, when we were having a conflict in the car and I started punching the dash board." I then thought, that isn't an emotional response, that was a physical response. I then asked him again, has there been a time that you have emotionally/verbally responded to a situation that was out of sin? He couldn't think of one, so I then asked an even more probing question, do you think you don't respond verbally because you odn't want to cause conflict? He said no. I disagreed and shared with him a situation when it was even more important for him to protect me and defend me verbally and he didn't.

This was 2 months ago when his sister was in the hospital having her second child. Husband and I had arranged to borrow his mothers car a few days before megan went to labor and I called her that Saturday to reconfirm (which was also 2 days after the birth). I made small talk about the new baby and how happy she must be to have another grand-baby. I then reminded her about the car and our plan to go tubing and wanted to make sure that we could still use her car. She said, "I have to be honest with you, it's not appropriate for you to call me and ask to borrow MY car when you have not made time to go see MY new grand-baby. You and Husband need to make it a priority to go see megan and the baby while they are in the hospital. Megan is also very upset about you guys not coming to the hospital yesterday and went out with your friends instead. So, No you can not borrow MY car till you go see MY grandbaby. I can not be apart of your decision to go tubing and not go see MY grand-baby." she was crying and I was so hurt. I responded, "I can see where you are coming from but Husband and I are in the car right now on our way to fred meyer to get some things for them at the hospital. Yesterday we already had plans to go to a dear friends birthday party - in which they bought everyone tickets to see the dark night - we couldn't cancel. You have offended me and I am hut, and I cannot continue to talk with you. I need to hang up. I love you. Good bye" click. She attempted to call me 3 or 4 more time, I didn't answer or response. She even called Husband and he didn't answer. I was crying and mad at how manipulated I felt and husband said he understood and didn't say much else. When we arrived at the hospital Megan said her mom call her and told her she set me straight about going to the hospital and megan told he me she was sorry and that she wasn't upset with us at all about anything. She did want us to come see her but she also understood that we would come when we had time. She knew we would make it a priority. I started to cry and told her she is a priority and we wouldn't miss this precious moment. Their mom then also called just a few minuets into us being at the hospital and asked to talk with me, Husband said he would talk to her. I couldn't hear what she was saying but Husband said she was crying and that she just loves megan and us so much that she was hurt for megan and our lack of attention to this precious moment in the family. Husband pacified her and said, I understand mom, we love you. Everything is ok, don't worry. We love you. Its all going to be ok, we love you.... and on and on and on. At no point did he stand up for me and say anything about how we are adults and its not ok for her to manipulate us, and she is wrong and she hurt me.... nothing. He just calmed her down, told he its ok (which it wasn't) and told her we loved her. I didn't think anything of it because this is how it has always been with her. She is always doing things like this to control situations in the family and try to make us feel guilty for not dropping everything to come be with them or the family - when they dont' plan more then 48 hours in advance for things. 

After explaining/reminding Husband of the this situation, I asked him, How did you defend me to your mother? He said, I don't know. 

I said, I was hurt that I don't feel he defends me and he didn't say anything, I would even bet you don't because you think I can handle it on my own but that isn't the point, I need you to show me that you love me by protecting me. Would Jesus protect his church? I could tell he just wanted the conversation to be over.

I said, one last thing, "You care more about how you look to others and protecting yourself/imagine, then you do about defending me."

After about 15 min of silence. He asked me, What is going on in your head?

I half smiled and said, I was just thinking about how we just talked and I am happy that I was able to communicate with you about how I was feeling and I didn't respond out a sinful angry place. Wouldn't you agree? 

Husband: Yeah, i would say you almost let it get away from you at times. 

Me: Almost?!?!? Really? I almost sinned? Is that what you are saying? 

Husband: Well, you did get upset and angry a couple times, but you reigned it in. 

Me: Right... so why couldn't you agree with me? I didn't sin, which is what I was semi-happy about - that I was able to communicate a hurt and not yell and scream.

Husband: yeah, but you almost did. 

Me: Wow.... I can't talk to you about this anymore.

We sat quietly in the car the rest of the way. Does he have a "level of almost sinned" scale and I got to close so I might as well have? I was unable to shake the feelings I was having the rest of the day. I wanted to just leave and walk out and take some time to myself but couldn't. We have one car and he didn't want to let me out of his sight... not sure why, other then what he told me, "I just love you and want to be with you." I didn't feel like love. I felt smothered!! I texted andrea to see what she was doing and she explained she was watching a mutual friends baby and invited me to come along. I accepted and got some time. I explained ALL of this to Andrea and she was so tender and sweet. She understood where I was coming from and even expressed I had a right to be upset. It was nice to hear that I was "right" but even more so felt good that someone understood my hurt. 

The rest of the day, I didn't even want to look at Husband and even now, really just want to get some space. Its not that I don't want to be with him, I just want him to see that its hurtful that he doesn't defend or protect me emotionally and it communicates to me that I don't matter. 

I went to bed that night exhausted and didn't want to be touched or snuggled. We usually talk for a couple hours before we fall asleep and I didn't say a word. He even asked if he could put his arm around me and I siad, "Yeah" but wanted to say no. I was beyond annoyed and hurt. This morning I wanted to get up and leave him in bed still sleeping so we didn't have to talk or snuggle - still don't want to talk to him about any of this because yesterday proved UNPRODUCTIVE in me sharing my feelings. He will always see he is right unless someone else explains it to him that he isn't being fair or "right". I wanted to call our counselor that night and say, Can we meet today? But I didn't feel I should because it wasn't as urgent as I was making it. 

Now, I sit here... wishing that processing through writing would help and its not. :-( 

I still want to run. 

I still don't want to talk to him. 

I still don't want him to touch me. 

I still don't want to talk to Jesus about it. 

Oy.

Marriage Counseling - Week 4

Hit by a truck..... 

Yesterday's counseling was maddening. I could just quit going if it didn't impact anyone other then me. I know Counselour is trying to be helpful but damn it, it sure doesn't feel like it. I mean, who does he think he is... he only has known us for like 4 sessions (4 hours!!) he doesn't even know the history or anything. <Bleep>

Ok... let me back up... Its morning and I am still in a knotted ball over last night. First... I was already feeling uneasy about going since Wednesday last week Husband and I had a rough day with him withdrawing and me responding badly - I really didn't want to answer for my bad behavior and lack of trust. 

Then when we arrived, we saw Me Johnson coming out of the church.... Awkward!! She asked what we were doing there and Husband gave the cold shoulder and didn't respond. 

Then when we got in there... all hell (in my mind broke loose). I am not sure I am able to describe what happened - in a way that makes sense. But I will try plus saying verbatim what was said... this is a VERY long email... bare with me.... if you don't have time to read I understand. Its just a lot in my head. 

Counselour asked if we had talked about what happened Wednesday and if everything is out in the open. I explained yes, that I had talked to Husband about it all (feeling pushed away, reaching out to Andrea, emailing him (Counselour), and drinking more then I should have in response). He asked how we were doing and if we had confessed and repented. This was a new thought for both of us, he had to walk us through it. We both identified what our part was in the evening, where we both sinned and we were asked to confess to each other, ask for forgiveness and to pray together asking Jesus for forgiveness as well. This would seem like common sense, which it is for Christians, but to actually look at your spouse and say, I am sorry for... and I love you and then pray to god asking for forgiveness allowed with the other to God, was difficult. Counselour requested we do it right then and there, and we did. He then asked us how that felt. Husband felt like a weight was lifted and I on the other hand felt naked and exposed. I explained that my relationship with God is mine and mine alone, to ask me to confess aloud in front of Husband (and him) was intrusive and felt exposing. He then asked, How can you be intimate if you hold back? I wasn't sure. He then talked about Adam and Eve in the garden and being naked and unashamed but it also later talks about them being naked and ashamed which mean they hid. That the goal in marriage is to be naked and UN-ashamed. I have always felt that my confession needs to be between me and Jesus but I know that it shouldn't with Husband. He asked me if I feel criticized when I pray with Husband, I said, no. Then he wanted to know if it could build me to a place of safety with confession and prayer. I thought is could... he encouraged us to do that more. My stomach dropped. I don't want to do that. I want my relationship with God to be mine. But I will work towards that... argh. 

That was NOTHING in comparison to what is coming and how much more difficult this is about to get.

Back to intimacy. He believes that what I am looking for in an emotionally, physically, and spiritually connected relationship. Which will lead to a physical intimacy that i could ever dream of. Its frightening and raw. But as we build our intimacy it becomes explosive. 

I record our sessions to be able to go back and listen – so typing what was said might be best so you don’t get my spin on it.

He then asks me: What is the opposite of raw? 

Me: Protected. 

Counselour: protected.... callused. Can you have a raw experience with callousness?

Me: I think so.

Counselour: Really? Tell me about it.

Me: Because i have before.

Counselour: Now or before.

Me: Before we were married.

Counselour: and calloused lead to wow? 

Me: I don't know if it lead to it but I was able to have a wow experience. 

Counselour: Was it sex or was it intimacy?

Me: Sex.

Counselour: I am going to list Sex in the counterfeits and intimacy in the "created for" Physical intimacy has the counterfeit of sex. What does sex not have?

Me: Connection. Expectations. Requirements. 

Counselour: What do you mean by requirements?

Me: things you have to do in order to make your partner happy. 

Counselour: Tell me what those requirements might be because I am not sure I understand. 

Me: Sex just happens as appose to requirements of "I need "this" in order to....

He then went into talking about what sex doesn't have and he agreed that it doesn't have the connection. Seeing how you can have and orgasm without any connection at all (alone/masturbation). So its really just relegated to the orgasm. Intimacy blends the physical, emotional, spiritual, its hard to know which intimacy you are experiencing when they blend. 

Counselour: Sex is the counterfeit of physical intimacy, Conversations is the counterfeit of emotional intimacy and quiet times is the counterfeit of spiritual intimacy (but if you don't meet Jesus it isn't intimacy). A devotional life is different then a quiet time, its that emotional intimate connection, naked and unashamed with God. So, as you pray, I don't want to force you into being vulnerable and open but I want you to wrestle with the fact that being distant and protected, is the antithesis of intimacy. What we want in your relationship is full orbed, broad spectrum intimacy. And that, leads to wows that you can't really happen any other way. 

Me: Its always been that way.

Counselour: I understand, I don’t believe that you have had intimacy yet. You have had marriage sex, but you have not had intimacy.

Me: How do you acquire that?

Counselour: You fill the tank….

Paraphrase: He explained that Intimacy happens when you have it to give. Investing in each other builds intimacy (its talking, understanding, its gentleness). Distance, withdrawing and harshness will drain the tank faster then you can fill it.  That sin causes wholes in the tank that drain intimacy and need to be patched with confession, repentance, and prayer.

So in regards to Wednesday – how were we able to go from Husband being distant to being physically intimate. We talked and connected.

Counselour: Was it sex or intimacy?

Me: Intimacy… well… probably sex. 

Counselour: Tell me why you said intimacy first.

Me: Because there was emotion. But I think its really easy for me to turn it off. 

Counselour: ok, so did you turn it off?

Me: I think so.

Counselour: Why?

Me: because they don’t go together – in my mind they don’t go together.

Counselour: So that is part of the problem that is another whole in the tank. It may not be at the bottom and it may not drain the whole tank but its another whole. Tell me why you don’t think they go together and how can we correct that.

Me: Because I don’t know how to integrate them together.

Counselour: Why?

Me: Because before I ever felt intimacy in my whole life I learned sex. So sex came first.

Counselour: So let’s correct that. Physical intimacy is definitely going to involve an interweaving of emotional and spiritual intimacy. Prayer is a natural response to physical intimacy its not a response to sex, because sex is often times selfish. (he then explains in detail how to have prayer in sex).

Counselour talks then to Husband for a bit…about why doesn’t he give himself to my fulfillment and not leaving room for physical intimacy… which I then say, because I don’t really allow for it. Which was the WRONG thing to say – not because its not true but because what follows is HARD.

Counselour: How do you provoke it?

Me: I think the more I can get him excited the less likely there is to stare into each others eyes and all that…. Stuff.

Counselour: What do you mean all that Stuff…

Me: It weird’s me out. Because I feel like he is staring at me.

Counselour: so you don’t want intimacy.

Me: Maybe, I guess so…

Counselour: Well, tell me what you are talking about.

Me: I guess I just….

Counselour: What is the problem with staring into your eyes?

Me: Cause, I feel like he is staring at me. Giggle – it doesn’t feel close, it feels like im on stage.

Counselour: ok…. So what happens when he sees you? When he looks into your eyes and sees your soul? What happens?

Me: I don’t know.

Counselour: you said you are onstage, what does that mean?

Me: like that I am having to perform for him.

Counselour: Why perform?

Me: so that he gets sexually fulfilled.

Counselour: isn’t the problem that he does that too quickly?

Me: yes.

Counselour: so why do you need to perform. If he looks deeply into your eyes and tries to see your heart what happens if you look deeply into his?

Me: I don’t know

Counselour: Why not.

Me: maybe because I don’t

Counselour: ok

Me: that’s not true… we do – just not during sex

Counselour: why not? Of all times, that is the most important.

-          - At this time, I just want to move on. Its getting to ---- deep maybe… I just want the hour to be over.

Me: because its awkward.

Counselour: Why – explain the awkwardness to me.

Me: I don’t have a problem being naked in front of him, but I “FEEL” naked when he stears at me.

Counselour: ok, and you want to be naked and unashamed?

Me: yeah.

Counselour: right, so what is wrong with being naked?

Me: it doesn’t feel good.

Counselour: Why? Tell me what it feels like?

Me: cold.

Counselour: ok. How does the cold come? Is the cold husband created or me created?

Me: Im sure its me. Because he is always tender in that way.

Counselour: so if he is enjoying you, why is it cold?

Me: because that is what true love is.

Counselour: cold?

Me: uh huh.

Counselour: no its not.

Me: well maybe not true love, but what I feel is true love.

Counselour: tell me what you mean by cold, because I am interpreting cold to being negative.

Me: The way I have always felt love from my parents.

< again WRONG thing to say – not because its not true but because what follows is HARD. >

Counselour: Coldly?

Me: uh huh.

Counselour: Tell me about your parents.

Me: They are just cold people. Critical.

Counselour: how in the world is that love

Me: that is how they show it. Trying to be a better by being critical of me, so I can be better then what I am

Counselour: I want you to look at me and listen.

Me: <deep breath>

Counselour: That’s not love. God is never cold. Love is never critical. Love is never condemning. And what your parents have done is to rob you. We have this problem. The problem is, we compartmentalize. And so, I saw this in my wife… He tells the story of how his wife’s father didn’t’ know what love was or how to love Ann. Ann had to have him love her so what he did had to fit what love was. Ann had to redefine love.  Love is not cold. I wanted you to see that. Your parents may love you, but the way they express it in relationship with you is not love. You need to redefine love. You do not want coldness. You do not want condemnation, criticism, or judgment and it’s the last thing you can give. Love is tender, love is gentle, love is wonderful. You are safe when husband looks into your eyes. And some how I want you to believe that and experience that. Because that is true love. What your parents gave you is a counterfeit. Or at least in the way you are expressing it now. What they did was not loving. I know it hurts to think about that, and it leaves a whole in your stomach, and Im sorry. But you have to redefine love and you have to understand what love is and 1 corth 13 is a great place to go…you can’t have intimacy and love with a misunderstanding of what love is. And I understand completely why with the definition you just gave me you would want to be private, withdrawn and alone. Why the physical relationship would seem so much more satisfying then love. But there is so much more awaiting you me that you have not experienced. What are thinking and feeling?

Me: My stomach is turning. I don’t know what to think. You have got to be wrong is what I am thinking I guess.

Counselour: That I have got to be wrong?

Me: yeah. Because if you are right then that means they don’t love me.

Counselour: it means they have not expressed it, it does not mean they don’t love you. And they could have not expressed if for LOTS of different reasons (they never learned it, never felt it, didn’t want to show it…) I understand why Ann’s father was the way he was, but it was still wrong and I had to protect my wife. Do you interoperate criticism from others as love or just your parents?

Me: I don’t know. (Now thinking about it, its just my parents).

Counselour: I want you to take some time and read 1 corth 13 and hear what god says about love and look at Jesus, did he ever criticize? I think its really important. To love your parents doesn’t mean you criticize, but it does mean that you let them know that their criticisms hurt. That to love you means to say, that they love you. For them to love you means to take care of you. To be gentle. If they see flaws and problems to graciously point that out. Gal. 6 says. “1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Me: (boldly then I say) then I have to be willing to lose that relationship.

Counselour: Why?

Me: Because that is what she says, I am the mom, I make the rules and if you are going to stand up to me then you know where the door is and my sister in law did that once and she was cut out. (after thought: emotionally cut out – not physically)

Counselour: what does jesus say

Me: do it anyway

Counselour: well… you need to have a conviction of what Jesus is saying clearly, don’t make assumptions, don’t’ think, well he must mean. For you to enter into this battle, and it is a battle, it’s a battle for your mom, you have to have conviction that this is a battle that Jesus has called you to and he is telling you what the chain of command is and the order of the battle will be. Do you think that what you mom said was love?

Me: I think that’s her way

Counselour: Her way of what?

Me: loving.

Counselour: where is the love in it?

Me: Because she needs to feel a curtain way in order to feel loved.

Counselour: So you need to have an orgasm in order to feel loved and if husband doesn’t give it to you then you have every right to go find any man who will give you an orgasm so you can feel loved. Do you believe that?

Me: no. 

Counselour: That is the logic you just gave me. If your mom needs to sin in order to be loved, or in order to feel loved, is that right?

Me: That is her battle though.

Counselour: its also yours, she’s your mom and you have to decide how you will respond. Let me give you another analogy: if Husband need to have a 3 some in order to get off and feel loved. Do you have to give him a 3 some.

Me: I don’t have to no.

Counselour: well is it sin to do so?

Me: yeah.

Counselour: Then can you?

Me: Sin to please him?

Counselour: Is that a righteous thing to do.

Me: no.

Counselour: so then can you?

Me: no.

Counselour: so if husband says it’s a 3 some or I am out of here. What do you do?

Me: Leave. And say no.

Counselour: No, the right answer is to stay no and to stay. It is also to say, I hope you don’t leave and I want you to wrestle with Jesus over what you are asking me to do. And I want you to be a man of  faith and strength who loves me. Its not to say no and leave. Its to say, I can’t and I love you. If your moms say, give me what I want or leave, then you say, mom I can give you what I can give you, I want to be here. I love you and I want to be with you, and everything that I can give you that is righteous I will give you but I can’t give you what is sin, and if you love me and if you love yourself, you won’t ask me to. And you can decide whether I can stay, im telling you I want to be here, and I want to love you well. Don’t accept her statement that you have to leave. Do everything you can to stay. Because that is what love does. But don’t do sin because then what you say is mom you are more important then God and you can’t say that to any body. God will take care of you. That will revolutionize your relationship with Husband.

Me: that battle with my mother

Counselour: That battle to be a woman of integrity. That battle to not let others define you. That battle to let scripture tell you what is righteous and not to let other tell you what you have to do. Speaking the truth in both love and strength will revolutionize who you are which will consequently revolutionize the relationship you have with Husband and ultimately your mom. Don’t duck and run. And don’t sin. I understand why you are afraid to be open. Your mom never loved you. Jesus calls you to it. Do you understand what you rob husband of if he can’t know you and love you because its cold.

Me: He doesn’t know the difference.

Counselour: He doesn’t know the difference of what?

Me: What it feels like to be loved by me in that way.

Counselour: you rob him of being able to give that to you.

Me: but if he has never been able to then he doesn’t know.

Counselour: uh huh, but its still missing. Im not saying what he knows, or what he experiences in way of missing, I am saying what he ultimately misses. The two of you don’t have what you could have. Don’t’ settle. Don’t settle. Pursue it.

Counselour: Husband, I want you to be thinking about how you can help Me understand what you have to offer. Because she is going to have to think about what mom and dad did and redefine what love is. I want the two of you to spend some time looking at 1 corth 13.

Counselour: I am not trying to beat up on your mom and dad. I want you to understand that they may not understand what love is and did the best they knew, but it is not love. You can gentle like a surgeon pear away at what love is not and show them what love really is, especially as you learn and they see you and Husband. 1 peter 3:15 “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness” But don’t let mom and dad give you a counterfeit and tell you its real.  Do you feel like I am beating up on your folks?

Me: no. its just so much better then it was Im just not sure

Counselour: enjoy the better, I am not asking you to destroy that. Im not telling you to go in and issue a challenge.

Thoughts:

-          When has my mother ever battled for me? She always just cut me out, kicked me out, left me in my pain, shut me up and built her wall around everything.

-          Just another counseling session that shows me that having children is a FLAWED system and God is cruel.

-          How did my relationship issues with Husband become about me battling with my mother… lets just leave her out of it, because I need to worry and be focused on Husband. All this mom talk is getting old and tiresome.

"The" Struggle

Notes taken while watching: Brene Brown's talk on the Power of Vulnerability

"I have a vulnerability issue. I know that vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and our struggle for worthiness. But it appears it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, & love. I have a problem. Help."

 

Why do we struggle with vulnerability?

 

We numb vulnerability

We numb... everything.

¼   We are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and medicated society in the history of the world.

 

We make the uncertain CERTAIN.

We prefect.

We pretend.

How do you live WHOLE HEATEDLY? 

Let ourselves be seen.

Love with our whole hearts.

Practice gratitude lean onto joy.

Believe we are enough. 

Evening with a TWIST

Tonight was an enjoyable evening with a twist.

We enjoyed a quiet evening at home. Me, blogging. Husband, cooking some food for the week and cleaning up. Us making the bed together and watching some funny you tube videos. At 9pm he suggested giving me a full body massage - which use to be code for "let's do it". Tonight I knew would be different. During the massage he didn't even once graze my sensitive parts - which I highly enjoy the "tease" aspect of this. When the massage was nearing its end I asked him why he didn't touch me "there" and he said he didn't know if I would enjoy it. Then without another word he started to touch me. Lightly caressing and softly opening. I'll save the "explicit" play by plays but all and all I was enjoying myself. A few min into it I ask him to pray for us and after assured him that the prayer wasn't because I wasn't enjoying it and intact I was greatly. I still couldn't brig myself to pray aloud but in my head I kept chanting, "stay here, be vulnerable, don't wonder...Jesus help me..." it was 15 min or so before my body started to "respond" and the "pleasure" of his touch was increasing. I wanted to pray aloud for us but i just couldn't find the words and didn't quite feel like I could. It was then that Pandora radio played a advertisement and I was distracted. Then I started to notice my hips getting tired, the touch wasn't just right, I could feel his clammy-sweaty skin and I couldn't recover my min. I tried to tell him what might help and we both got too wrapped up in the mechanics. I expressed I was done for tonight and felt instant embarrassment and shame. I covered my face with the pillow and my husband said, "it's not going to happen the first time, I enjoyed myself and I love you." I was negative in my mind by thinking, "it's been 5+ years - this is not the first time." I instantly wanted to get dressed and leave the room - which I did. I went to the restroom and came right back, I wanted to cry because this shouldn't be this hard. Why can't God just create a miracle and help us grow our marriage? We I not have enough faith? Do I not please him? Have I not asked enough? We are working on it and have not given up; couldn't he give us a glimmer of hope? I'll continue to fight be the disappointment and sadness filter in. I'm sad because I want to experience the pleasure and intimacy with my husband but I also want him to be encouraged that he can please me.

While I was getting dressed my husband asked me, "can you tell me what.." and I cut him off to say, "I can't talk about it right now." partly because I was naked and partly because I didn't want to cry. I have cried before and it's now a place of fear for my husband and I also hate the vulnerability it causes. No one should get to see my tears, they are mine and mine alone, especially if they are caused by another's actions or feelings.

I am now, back in bed, unwilling to talk about it and blogging to try to understand why....

We did end up talking about my disappointment and I used the analogy of ice cream. We don't usually have ice cream in the house to actually getting it and consuming it is quite the process of joy. We first have to leave the house, go to the store, get the ice cream, get the toppings, endure the ride home thinking of all the ways we can eat it, chill the bowl, let the ice cream get soft for scooping, put the toppings on, and consume. But the pleasure of the evening is like doing all the steps except consuming. It’s like a parent catching you with the bowl of already prepared ice cream and telling you, “No way, you can’t have that.” And not getting to enjoy the “finale” of the pleasure.

Husband expressed his enjoyment in the process and is willing to keep trying. I on the other hand, don’t want to have to go through the disappointment again. We will give it some time and I’m sure I will try it again. 

Counseling Session Two

I was semi looking forward to it. I did have some fears that he was going to ask questions that I didn’t know the answers but all in all, I wanted help to dismantle more of our issues. It’s hard to remember all that was talked about because it’s like drinking out of a fire hose and most of it doesn’t “stick” but might be in my subconscious for later. So, Ill try to share what I remember and what stood out

We started off talking about my husband not wanting to have sex and we explained that we did and that my husband again was able to climax and I didn’t. He asked why not, I explained that we moved slower with external touch and foreplay but then moved into sex too quickly and my husband got too excited and preceded to climax without me. Our counselor asked why it stopped once he came we explained because we were in dialog about what happened and what we liked and didn’t like and how to make it better in the future. My husband was also pretty upset that it happened again and felt bad almost instantly. We talked it through and have high hopes to not let that happen again without my pleasure as well. I said I feel like a good wife when my husband reached orgasm... he asked why is that, and I explained I feel like I am constantly the one in our relationship to make mistakes and this is a way I am good to him and feel his love. 

Our counselor then asked us, Do you ever pray together during sex?” We both said no and proceeded to ask, “Would that be something we would desire?” my husband said Of course, and I said no. Our counselor asked me why and I said, it was too intimate, it’s between me and God. He then launched into scripture Isaiah 30 to be exact. Which is talking about repentance; in turning FROM (sin) and INTO (God) in repentance. Its just not turning from... there is a second step to repentance. 

He said the marriage bed can be a place of masturbation, prostitution or intimacy. He talked about the story in Luke 7 "Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman." We read it together, we talked about how Simon called Jesus "teacher" (an object) and Jesus addressed him as Simon (a person). Simon treated the situation as if Jesus was a trophy in his house and this woman was defiling it. Also, Jesus called Simon out on HIS sins to show him he isn't without sin. Just like the parable of the prodigal son, seeing ones self as high and mighty and not seeing ones own sin. Our counselor also pointed out that Simon never said anything out loud, "he said to himself." So not only did Jesus know his thought he also knew his sins and then asked him,  41“ Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,^d and the other fifty. 42Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

Our counselor asked me, "What was the Jesus' point?" and the only thing I could think of was that Jesus was more valuable to those who have more to be forgiven. 

Our counselor wanted to know why prayer was too intimate for me to want to share with my husband and I explained I feel criticized and that he is always looking at me through a microscope seeing if what I believe matches his theology. I don't want to debate theology with him, I want to share Jesus together, but it feels unsafe and too vulnerable.  

I'm worried I don't know what intimacy in sex is. I'm also concerned my lack of wanting to be vulnerable is causing me to not be intimate.

Small google search I found this:

"A fear of intimacy comes out of a sense of vulnerability to being emotionally hurt. It's not the intimacy itself that most people fear. It's being criticized, rejected, shamed, controlled, swallowed up, or losing oneself in the other that sets in motion the self-protective shutting down that keeps intimacy under wraps. There is often a correlation with low self-esteem and feelings of being unlovable, defective or even worthless. In order not to be found out, barriers to intimacy go up."

Homework: pray together. Don't just push through, partake.
Jake home work: no criticism.

Baby Steps

This morning was rough:
I am extremely selfish.
Bitterness is an easy choice when I feel justified in my feelings.

I ALMOST cheated physically because I've been un-persuade and not important sexually to my spouse. Yet now that I've been honest it's like I have caused even more distance! I know what I did was hurtful and selfish. I'm not alone in this - he is and was hurtful and selfish in his lack of desire to please me. This isn't nice to say but I told him time and time again, "if we don't fix this it's not going to end well. I'm tempted to be pleased elsewhere." Yet, nothing changed! How and why am I the one taking all the "responsibility" for all this?

I looked up the ky guys Facebook to see his face and the next time I pulled up Facebook, my husband was watching. He asked who that was and I said, "him." he was hurt and now I have given my husband one more reason to be hurt and not touch me. Oy... The saga continues.

We spent the day with close friends being lazy and watching movies, napping, and doing nothing productive. After such a difficult morning I napped for about 3 hours and tonight had a great evening with my husband. We laid in bed, snuggled, talked, processed some emotions and then the most amazing thing happened. We kissed and even after asking him if he was ok with this we made out, touched each other and eventually had sex. It was amazing to be that close again and be able to express my feelings through touch. I could tell it was very difficult for my husband as I continued to ask him if he was doing on and if we needed to slow down. He encouraged me to touch him as I did to him as well. We tried to work on me in way of female stimulation which was amazing but not enough before the actual act of intercourse. He had a orgasam (I did not) and after he talked with me about how he didn't want to do that again; where he came and I didn't. He in no way shape or form wants to continue the pattern we had been doing and said he was sorry for him only having a release.

I laid with him wondering what I was feeling and thought about something quite disturbing. As I learned through counseling - I feel love through sex and being sexual but today I think it's even more superficial then that. As we were having sex I was disappointed he kept wanting to slow down and take our time, I wanted him to release. He desired to not release if I wasn't able, I didn't feel "complete" unless he did. Thus, I think I feel that I am not "good enough" if I don't get him to release. That the release is saying he loves me --this-- much. I know this is a false belief and it will take time and energy to reprogram my thoughts but it's good to understand I have a driving force behind getting him to his "release".

I asked him after what helped him to want to be intimate with me and he said it was him just trusting God no matter how difficult it was. I told him I was proud of him and believed we are on the right track. He agreed and we laid hugging one another.

We exchanged some questions:
WIFER: What are some things you need to hear from me regularly to feel loved and that you can continue to trust me?

HUSBANDER:
I care about your pain.
trust Jesus
You are the earthly source for filling all my emotional and physical needs.
Only you.

WIFER: What is one way daily that I can submit out of respect for you?

HUSBANDER: overall general - when he says stop or no to listen and respond (ie poking, tickling...)

HUSBANDER: What is a way I can make you feel wanted?

WIFER: in passing - sharing with me when you are turned on and grab me in passion frequently. Dirty text messages about what you are excited about.

Counseling tomorrow at 7:30pm...

At the Bottom there is Only One Direction To Reach For

Our Friday nights use to be filled with fun and friendship and tonight I lay here in bed next to a man who doesn't want to touch me. he's hurting because of me and I'm hurting because he is hurting. The insanity!

I feel I should have killed myself in high school. I hated life then and thought I would never amount to anything and I sit here today a mess and unable to see any good I have done. I have ruined lives. From my husband's, to my friends, to even my parents by constantly making bad choices and hurting people. There is no good in me!

He says I am precious to him but really? That's stupid, I've destroyed him!

I went to the store earlier and on the way I called the guy from KY. I imagine him ignoring my call because he is trying to care for me in the way I requested. Then moments later I reached for what I knew - God.

(SIDE NOTE: I only have one way to explain what happened next, I sat at the keyboard and I typed my prayer and god responded through my fingers... Some may say no way but only he could have said the things he said and lifted my spirits so easily.)

I am so mad at you. You abandoned me in my weakness and left me to my struggle without even reaching out to me. Why would you allow this to happen if you are God? Why would you allow you daughter to go down such a dirty and unclean path? This isnt how parents are to treat their children. Fathers are to shelter and care for their daughters through protection and guarding. Where we're you? I needed you and still do. I've made a giant mess of things and I'm tempted every moment to text and call this other man you "alloweded" into my life. Please stand in the gap where I am weak. Guide me to make better choices and show me your love. I want to feel the love of you and others and I'm frozen, cold, hard-hearted and needy. I've broken the only meaningful covenant here on earth and I don't when know if repairing can be done. I thought you wanted the best from me but why didnt you shelter me? Why do I feel I am walking this journey alone?

"Because you try to be good all on your own. You act like you don't need me and when you can't do it on your own you blame me for not protecting you. I've given you everything you need and you still go about your life as if you don't know the truth about the gifts I have given to you."

I want to believe you have given me all I need but then why do I not 'feel' your love or the love of others? I'm struggling to see where I messed up or where I didn't trust or believe you. I can't see it. Help me with my misunderstanding I don't get it. I need your spirit to show me since I can't figure it out on my own.

"That's it. You need my spirit to understand, to fight sin, to love well. You cannot fight satan alone. He will devour you at every turn. Arm yourself in my armor and listen to my spirit and believe in your heart I am with you and never will forsake you. For I am strong when you are weak."

how do I fight this battle of my flesh and earthy desires?

"With my spirit."

how do I believe when I lack the faith?

"With my spirit."

He's so bull headed. He can only see himself. How can he say he loves me and only focus on himself? God I'm trying to be 100% open and honest and share with him the ups and downs and all he can see are the negatives!

"Sounds like someone you know, yourself. Give him space, grace and unrealistic understand. Be what you would need."

The sadness has crept in. Why am I sad? Because I didn't put my trust in the one thing that is for sure. God.

God, How can I be sure this does happen again? Living in the spirit I am learning but what about when I forget or get complacent? Where have the implications of you been in my life? I can see things in the past (I think) - with women's retreat, my desire for service, and the way I love on my friends. But what happened? How did this seem to happen so fast? I am sure it crept in slowly but I want to know the signs for the future. How can I be sure that I don't let this happen again?

Pray, read your word, study, meditate on it, repeat.

I want to believe that I have faith enough to believe I can do this but I know I am going to need your help. How do I ask? How do I move forward without hinderances? I want to remember you are always there with me, always there for me, and always strong when i am weak. Please God, help deminish these feelings I have for this guy in KY. I need to focus on you and satan is knocking hard from his door of hell. Please resuse me, please teach me how to defend myself with the spirt and show me I am worth more then what I have myself credit for. Oh yeah God, how do I feel love again. Is that another one of those, "only through my spirit" moments. How? I've believed in you all my life but I truly want to BELIEVE YOU even more. Show me, teach me, mold me, form me, thow me in the fire to clean out my impurities. for only you know what is best for me and when i run from trusting you, I am alone, scared, and without my armor. I desire to hear more from you. I want to hear your voice, speak to my heart and mind and help me to love you husband better through this time. Please help me to just lean on you and not on my own understanding. Help me to be IN this and not just going through the motions and please help me to have patients with my special husband. You are his rock and I want you to be mine too. Thank you for continuing your work in us and thank you for NEVER giving us more then we can handle = although tis feels pretty close to the edge. I know I have been a thrill seeker, but today, I want to stay close to you and the comfort of what is known, not what is unknown. Thank you for all you have done for me. I know I have not given you the glory you deserve, for that I am sorry. I ask you lord for your forgiveness from the wrongs I have committed inside and out of my marriage. I am sinner only saved by your grace and I need more and more of you by your spirit to get through. I need help with my unbelief, reminded of your spirit, and strength to fight this battle. I desire to trust and love you again. AMEN

I cannot tell you how much "lighter" my spirit feels after hashing it out with God. I don't feel "better" in the good sense but lighter in the burden sense.

Till next time... I will fight.